TALES OF FARMER JACK

Farmer Jack’s great Uncle Ziegler came to visit for a few days.  Things did not go exactly as Farmer Jack had planned.  An untimely set of circumstances caused by Uncle Ziegler’s nearsightedness disrupted the farm.  Uncle Ziegler tripped over the dog, slipped on the cat, ran into the goat, got stuck in the pigpen, and finally overdosed on Irmatrude’s cabbage cake.

Cousin Tilbuns was welcomed at the front door by Farmer Jack and Irmatrude.  They went out in the front yard to have a picnic.  All the farm animals came over to view the event.  Irmatrude had cooked up some rather unappetizing dishes consisting of turnip soufflé, sauerkraut salad with sprouts, some dull looking rolls that were as hard as rocks, and raisin and celery pie.  The beverage was onion juice.  The animals stared at the three of them, and then the ants emerged followed by the flies.  The picnic didn’t last very long.  Maybe that was just as well.  The animals were disturbed by the strange smells and ran off to other areas.  Farmer Jack, Irmatrude, and Cousin Tilbuns ran into the house after being attacked by the ants and the flies.  The picnic had a very short existence and turned into a big flop.  So what else is new!

One day a new bull, Thorblat, arrived at the farm.  He would be company for Norbert, the bull.  Granella, Fragilia, and Plunaria, the cows, were delighted to see him.  Plunaria strutted around him and tossed her head amid some provocative glances, but Thorblat just stood there with a befuddled look on his face.  At this point in time, some succulent greens would satisfy him.  Farmer Jack was all wound up with the addition of Thorblat, and the animals, sensing this, started running in strange patterns across the field.  Irmatrude rushed out of the house waving a red towel, which was not such a good idea, to declare a high state of excitement.  The introduction of Thorblat aroused the whole farm and made Farmer Jack realize that now he had two grumpy old bulls!

Early one morning, the farm had an abrupt awakening with the arrival of Hufnagel, the hog.  He was enormous and weighed close to five hundred pounds.  The animals could only stand and stare in disbelief as they viewed this extensive specimen.  Hufnagel lumbered over to the pasture to check out some greens.  Everything seemed to joggle when he moved his huge expanse.  Farmer Jack came along riding Matilda, the tractor.  He took one look at Hufnagel and had to restrain himself to keep from falling off Matilda.  Then he and Matilda proceeded to track erratic patterns across the field in an excited manner.  Finally, they chugged to the barn and Farmer Jack set off the emergency alarm.  Irmatrude dashed out of the house waving a giant trash bag to signal a sizeable state of alert.  To say that Hufnagel was a large addition to the farm would be an understatement.  When Farmer Jack got over the initial shock of Hufnagel, he tried to collect himself and ultimately came to the conclusion that not only did he have a pack of pig nerds, but he also had one dumb gigantic hog!

One day Humdinger, the lady hog, made her entrance onto the farm.  She was wearing dangling earrings and a pink bonnet and weighed about four hundred pounds.  Farmer Jack and the animals could not believe their eyes—another wide girth to adorn the farm!  Humdinger strutted her large expanse down the dirt road to the pasture and began to examine the succulent greens.  Suddenly, Hufnagel, the hog, struggled over, stood, and stared at Humdinger who gave him several winks and a head toss, and then waltzed her huge surplus in front of him.  Hufnagel started to snort and grunt, did a little hop, and turned his attention to some tender shoots.  Next, the pigs came over to look at Humdinger.  Rumpella, Blandel, Splatunia, and the other lady pigs circled around her.  Miss Snazzle and Jezebelle, the floozy lady pigs, pranced themselves in front of Hufnagel who had other thoughts on his mind as he gorged himself on the pasture.  Farmer Jack ran to the barn to set off the emergency alarm, and Irmatrude rushed out of the house waving a large beach towel to announce a spacious state of alert.  Meanwhile, all the pigs strolled back to the pigpen and flung themselves into the mud holes with the exception of Miss Snazzle and Jezebelle, who kept an eye on Humdinger to be sure she didn’t get too interested in Hufnagel, but Humdinger settled her vast abundance in the pasture to enjoy the choice morsels.  One could only imagine what the days ahead would bring.  And the day swayed on.

The day was cool and routine at the farm.  Farmer Jack got into Mobaum, the