"Knocked Down Long Enough To Pray"

Chapter 2 Looking for a Friend Being molested by a family member in my early teens, I had already felt a sense of worthlessness. Back in those days, parents didn’t teach their children about sexual violations. Who was I going to tell that someone in the family was touching me in inappropriate places? I felt helpless, and there was no one for me to turn to. Being crippled and fat, gave my perpetrator the ability to trap me, and hold me down anytime he wanted to. This person knew the exact time to come by the house. There were times he would come by to greet the family, and my mother would leave for work. On the inside I wanted to tell my mother what was happening, so this entrapment and sexual abuse would stop. But as cunning as he was, I was left alone to be repeatedly become his prey. Chapter 4 Is There No Balm? One day, prior to going to my Sunday morning worship service, the telephone rang and it was my mother. I was so happy to hear her voice and I told her that I would be by her house after Church. Sunday dinner at my mother’s house was something we all looked forward to, but I wasn’t quite prepared for what she was about to tell me. My mother insisted that I remain silent until she’d finished talking. She told me, “I don’t care if you decide to ever speak to me again. I can’t keep what I am about to say to myself any longer. For a long time I’ve been having relationships with women and I want to let you know that I’m a lesbian.” Whatever she said after that, I don’t remember. At the time, I felt as if I was in a different time zone, perhaps on a different planet. All I could think of is, “My Mom is a lesbian? Not MY Mom.” I was in shock. Chapter 6 Until Death Do Us Part Two days after my husband’s death, I found out that my house was in foreclosure status. There were unpaid bills and I had no insurance money to bury my husband with. Every insurance policy had been cancelled, due to non-payment. What was I supposed to do now? Thankfully, money began to pour in from everywhere. However, my husband’s family still needed confirmation that their son had indeed died. My husband’s sister flew in to verify that his death was not a hoax. I was told that if I would fly with his body back to his home state that his family would give me the money for my children and I to fly back to California. I had to attend two-funeral services. The one in California resembled a gay parade and the other funeral look like a Southern Graveside Brawl, something out of a movie. Some of his family members were actually fist fighting in the cemetery about the fact that the dirt was going to cover the coffin. Chapter 7 For This Cause I walked back into the bathroom to change clothes, I felt very nervous and excited all at the same time. The moment of truth had arrived. I returned to the bedroom to find my husband fully dressed and ready to leave. Looking my loveliest, I was in shock as I asked my new husband “Where are you going?” His response was, “I didn’t marry you for that!” End of discussion. He walked out the door. I was alone for several hours. I felt crushed, wounded, confused and was totally speechless. I lied on the bed in total silence with a flood of tears. I was unable to talk to the Lord. When I was able to open my mouth my question to the Lord was, “Why is this happening to me? I saved myself for this man. I’ve been faithful to You. Why, Lord, Why?” Chapter 11 Walking on the Other Side of Fear I left my home and drove to what I felt would be another place of peace. The closer I got to the Church, the more I felt a pull from the Holy Spirit to walk into that place I’d been seeking. As I entered the parking lot, tears began to stream down my face. My heart had been heavy for so long. Entering this place of prayer, I felt like a little girl who had badly skinned her knees and needed to be comforted by hearing her Daddy say, “Come on baby, Daddy’s going to make it all better now.” As I opened the door to the prayer room, I felt as if I’d also the opened the door of my broken, beat down heart. Reaching for the seat to sit down, I fell to my knees and began to weep as though I’d been in great labor pains. There are no words to describe further how I felt as though I was travailing like someone having labor pains. While praying fervently in my Heavenly Language, I suddenly felt someone place their hand upon my left shoulder and they began to pray over me. I didn’t know anyone in the prayer room, but I have come to learn that there is no distance in the Spirit. I heard the voice of a woman praying over my life as if she had walked in my very own footsteps. She prayed out loudly the secret things that I had prayed when I was alone. The voice of this Woman prayed aloud the words that were trapped into my heart. She spoke the things that confirmed to me that, “God Cares, God Hears, and God Loves”. I knew she was a Woman of God when I heard her say, “And now Lord, we bring this homosexual husband to YOU!…..” She talked to God about everything until I was almost sure she would call out my husband’s name.