Unordinary Love

They seem to find something in their relationship that they were not able to find anyplace else, responding to their inner voices that seem to understand. It is almost magical how they are pulled toward each other. Yet, while emotional feelings often stroke a person's inner needs of love and affection, those same feelings often hinder rational decision making. Carl does not remember his parents ... too young when he entered the foster care system. The anger he felt then, believing no one really cared about him, still simmers deep inside today. The minimal interests he holds today are carryovers from his youth, and the same indifferences that got him into trouble on a regular basis then have a chance of resurrection again if he is not careful. The pain at that time was so severe he thought about putting it all to rest, forever. That never happened ... he didn't have the guts. He lived day to day, just passing through life without much thought. He eventually became so subdued he did not think about much of anything except for one pursuit ... girls. He decided to be polygamous for the rest of his life as he took advantage of his good looks to seduce girls his age and older. He bathed in the delight of popularity among the other children left alone by their parents. It was easy for him, yet he always knew his status was artificial. Still, it did not matter, he got the attention. By the time he was 15, he was in control of his emotions and mental faculties, essential for survival. That conscious self-understanding served him well then and he figures to continue using it until he finds other options. Then Sam and Gwen came to his rescue. More importantly, Kay entered his life. But, he is not sure if his affection for Kay is real or a throw-back to earlier times. However, Kay's situation is much different. She envisioned a full family with one guy, monogamous, and still does. She still does not sense how eye-catching she is to boys who trail after her like sheep. Even today, she has few friends ... they think her snobbish, yet she is simply shy. She has always adored her brother, Paul, and still does. She believes she understands him. He seemed to care after her more than she believed her parents did. In fact, she never really cared for her parents that much, especially her mother who continues to look at her with unpleasant piercing eyes, at least that's her perspective. Then, when Paul was essentially booted out of the house to make room for Carl, she knew what she had to do. Paul had always been aware of his sister's insecurities and hidden dreams. In fact, he had always been sensitive to others' proclivities. So, it was no surprise that when Carl arrived, he quickly concluded his stepbrother was not who he claimed to be. He tried to warn his sister through the numerous phone calls, e-mails, and text messages after he left the house, but she had made up her mind too quickly. Paul always thought family and loyalty would win out, no matter what else was involved. He was wrong. ∞∞ As Carl and Kay's feelings grow more intense towards each other, keeping a safe distance from one other is nearly impossible. Misgivings usually follow realization, so it is no surprise that a few weeks after their first time together, their temperaments change. They now doubt it was the right thing to do ... to do the deed. Their perimeters begin to close in around each of them. And, as with most people, they are not prepared for the unexpected shock. "I can't stand it any longer!" Kay's outburst surprises even her. "We've got to talk about it." Carl hesitates. He knows he was not going to bring up the topic. In fact, he hoped the incident would eventually be forgotten and they would move on. He keeps quiet for the time being, disposed to avoid talking about it all together. "Are you sorry we did it?" Deep inside she prays to be comforted. He mutters, "No, of course not. Are you?" He figures out the best response possible. "Neither am I." Her voice sounds relieved. Yet, there is a slight quiver that she cannot shake loose. "That's good to know. I was worried about you," he says although her feelings are the last thing on his mind. "You were?" Her eyes brighten with joy. "Yeah, I should have been more responsible and sensitive. I'm sorry. I should have brought it up first." He is back to his old ways. "You've done it before, haven't you?" He had never thought that sex was anything more than doing the act, no joy and no benefit from the deed except another notch on his belt. To him it was just a series of mechanical motions. However, this time he is confused. He senses it is different. Something changed for him when he did it with her, yet he cannot put his finger on it. He decides to avoid answering the question, and comes up with something he figures she wants to hear. "I've never felt so close to anyone. I loved your touch." His eyes moisten a bit as he wonders if the words and feelings are true. His inner turmoil has him confused about how he feels about her. If he could, he would run away right now and never return. She reaches over to touch his face, to feel bliss as if she is in seventh heaven. "You're worried, aren't you?" "How do you know?" He is a bit surprised at her insight as if she is peering deep down into his soul. "It's in your voice and all over your face." She steps closer. "But don't worry." "About what?" He takes in a deep swallow. The cool and collective persona slowly evaporates. Only a few drops remain, just enough to keep up the charade. "I'm not pregnant." He feels a heavy burden lift from his shoulders as he takes in a deep breath. He is torn between giving himself fully to her, or as in the past, cutting and running to avoid getting into a commitment. She senses his ambivalence, yet she realizes how much she is in love with him. She thinks of them as a committed couple for eternity. "Talk to me. You seem distant." Her eyes beg for a favorable answer. "You're so much smarter than me about these things." He wonders where that thought came from, but it might be enough to shove off from getting into the truth. She does not give up. "I don't think so. It's only a matter of deciding what you want in life." His mind fumbles to find the right words, but comes up empty handed. Boldly, she asks, "How do you feel about me, about us?" He had hoped to avoid talking about that particular topic, but figures he has no way out. "To be honest, I'm confused. I mean, I've never felt this way towards anyone before. I'm, well, scared." He is surprised at the honest response. She interprets his answer as an invitation to explore the full meaning of his feelings. "There is no reason to be afraid. Are you afraid of me?" Her reassuring voice prods him to continue. "No, no, I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid of my feelings towards you. It's as if I am in a trance." He cannot believe what he hears himself say. It does not even sound like his own voice. He thinks he needs to cut off further talk. "I don't want you to go away from me. But I think you know that." She pauses. "The real question is do you want to walk out. I can't decide that, it's totally up to you." "This isn't easy. It has a whole lot to do with who I am." He second guesses himself if he is saying too much for his own good. "And also, who I am." Her face yearns to be loved. "But the real question is who do you want to be?" "Do you know?" "Yes." With little hesitation she finishes the thought, "I want to be with you." She looks deep into his eyes to sense him fighting to fly away. Still she wants very much for him to stay.