Loving After Divorce

      One of the most difficult transitions for an individual and a family is the process of divorce.  It is not one event - as if divorce happens on one day.  The day the divorce decree is handed down from the judge is more like the middle, and could actually be towards the beginning of the process of divorce.  Divorce is a time of breaking down and healing.  There is no true healing until the breaking down portion is complete.

      The divorce process invloves many phases.  In each phase there are opportunities to learn and to grow amidst the challenges of pain.  It is through facing pain, challenges and difficulties that the human spirit is set free to grow.  In our less difficult times we are more comfortable;  no one wants to rock the boat.  The comfort zone feels safely familiar, possibly soothing, stable and just as the word comfort indicates ... comfortable. 

      Challenging times force us to leave the safety and security of this comfort zone.  The roller coaster ride of divorce certainly qualifies as one of the most heart wrenching of these times.  The comfort zone mentality is blown away, at least for the time being.

      I have the dubious distinction of being twice divorced.  This was never my intention.  I entered each marriage as a lifetime commitment.  The first marriage lasted twenty-six years and produced three children.  The second marriage showed surprising and alarming signs of trouble two days before the wedding.  It became a prison after six months and was concluded at eleven months. The casual observer's first response might be:  "What did you do wrong?"  or "Why are you a two-time loser?"  or "What were you thinking?"  My brother-in-law called me the "runaway bride" when I left the second marriage.  I am amazed at how little people really know each other in marriages and in family relationships.

      The interesting fact is that we enter into relationships, especially marriage, dating, and other "significant other" arrangements, from our unique place of understanding or perception.  Each person comes from their own "milieu" (see my first book Loving One Another:  Becoming Aware of Who You Are, for a full description of this concept)...a milieu is that understanding or perspective on life that you are born into.  Even siblings in the same home environment and family each have their own unique take on life.  We are referring to each person's unique mental and emotional image of life.  No one can totally understand another person's life view.  We are typically unconscious of the details of our milieu.  All of this information is filed away in our subconscious minds.  The "job" of adulthood is to unlock that filing cabinet, and to go through the contents piece by piece, file by file, to see what is there.  As the files are opened, the contents are reviewed for accuracy and usefulness.  Divorce is one of these times of life review.