El Nino: The Mystery of the Gold Statue of the Christ Child

So now you are getting all primed to have your men carry your blackened remains out of the building this time! AM I RIGHT, GENERAL?'

'I'm willing to risk it, Padre. After all, we're practically old friends!'

'I concur with those sentiments, General; for I must admit that I do feel a certain affinity for you. Indeed, under other circumstances it is not inconceivable that you and I could become great friends. This fact prompts me to say that in my ten years and El Nino's four years at this post in Ascension I have seen literally hundreds of sick and afflicted souls healed of their maladies. A number of these pathetic human beings were congenital cripples carried here on stretchers; miraculously they left on their own power, all of them standing straight and tall as young elms. Practically every day here I see similar scenes, similar miracles. It's gotten to the point where people even from foreign countries have started coming here. Our humble little town of Ascension is now on the map, not just on the Mexican map but rather on the world map. There is even some talk about His Holiness the Pope paying us a visit sometime next year. General, surely in your more sober moments you wouldn't want to go down in history as the one individual who spoiled all of this, would you?'

'Padre,' Villa said, his face belying an unmistakable sense of frustration, 'I came here this morning all primed to remove this confounded statue, and again---against my wishes---you've bamboozled me into an untenable position. How in the hell do you do it anyway? Every time I git around you I can't even think straight!'

Right at this precise moment one of Villa's lieutenants, glancing in the direction of El Nino, or rather where El Nino had been, exclaimed in alarm: 'GENERAL! THAT STATUE JUST DISAPPEARED! I SWEAR THAT I SAW IT WHEN WE ENTERED THIS BUILDING, BUT IT JUST NOW DISAPPEARED!'

Villa, quickly looking in that direction, said, 'Madre de Dios, it IS gone! And I, too, saw it as soon as we came in here. What in the name of Father, Son, and Holy Ghost and all holy angels is going on in this damned place anyway!'

Padre de Escalante likewise looked in the direction of where El Nino had been and, consummate actor that he was, turned pale, gasped for breath, and staggered slightly as if about to fall. Villa and his men were visibly affected by the statue's disappearance and by the padre's superb histrionics. Turning to Villa, the padre said, 'General, this CAN'T BE! WHY, NOT MORE THAN TWENTY MINUTES AGO I STOOD GAZING AT THAT INCOMPARABLE WORK OF ART AND WONDERING HOW MUCH LONGER EL NINO WOULD GRACE THIS EDIFICE. AND NOW HE IS GONE!'

As tears welled up in the padre's eyes, several of Villa's men quickly crossed themselves while their leader stood there not knowing what to do or say. With Villa and his men following close behind, the padre led the way up to the stand where El Nino had been mounted. The stand, having been restored to its natural state by Sanchez, no marks of any kind could be discovered indicating that the statue had ever occupied that spot. 'General Villa,' the padre said quite out of breath, 'not more than twenty or so minutes ago the statue of El Nino rested right here on this very mount, which was created for that sole purpose. Another miracle has occurred, for I am speechless! Either God Himself or the Holy Mother has removed this statue. There's simply no other explanation. Do you realize, General, what this means?'

'Yes, Padre, I do,' Villa said in subdued tones. 'It means that I'm out of fifty pounds of gold!'

'No, General,' the padre countered while struggling to control the almost overpowering urge to laugh, 'not that! It means that God has wrought this miracle to spare YOUR life. You are an important person, General. But if you had actually touched El Nino, you'd have been reduced to a heap of ashes in a split second. General Villa, may I humbly suggest that you look up and say a BIG THANK YOU to the Father of us all! You truly are an important man, General, for God has seen fit to spare your life. Like Hezekiah of old, you have just been granted some extra years of life. Do you realize, Sir, that news of this miracle will spread like wildfire throughout this entire region and beyond?'

Villa himself was still speechless, and all of his men, again crossing themselves, appeared to be taken in completely by the padre's inimitable theatrics. Visibly disturbed but finally able to speak, Villa said, 'Padre, I honestly do not know what to say about all of this. I knew when I came back here that I shouldn't have let myself get locked into a conversation with you. You're not a padre; you're a wizard of some kind. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you yourself, through some kind of hokus-pokus, didn't make that statue disappear into thin air.' Then turning to his troops, Pancho Villa said, 'MEN, I'VE BEEN THOROUGHLY HUMILIATED! Let's git outa this damnable place before we look down and find ourselves standing here buck naked! I don't trust this padre anymore!'