After Loss

It takes a lot of work to put your life back together after a loss. You may wonder why you’re still feeling stuck, lonely, or struggling—even if it has been a year, or many years, since your spouse or partner died. To complicate matters, you may not be sure how to deal with the seemingly unrelenting financial, emotional, legal, physical, and logistical obstacles you face. This book will help you learn how to tackle those challenges, answer some of your most pressing questions about moving forward and help you to get back on your feet again. How do you know when you’re ready to rebuild your life after loss? I had a defining moment that motivated me. I never lived alone until my daughter, Laura, left home to attend college several months after my husband, Paul, had died. It was a shock adjusting to an empty house with no one else to keep me company except my Jack Russell Terrier, Roxy. Since I worked from my home, I spent more time with my dog than I did with people. One night, as Roxy sat upright in a chair at the dinner table, I stared at her, watching closely as she eagerly waited for me to put scraps of chicken on her plate. She nodded her head, looked at me straight in the eyes, and carefully put her paw up and down on the table repeatedly. This was her way of asking me for a second helping. I suddenly realized that there was something very wrong with this picture. Although I loved my dog, I needed to spend more time with people. I was ready to move outside my comfort zone. The key was in figuring out how to get started. You might have experienced a similar time when your grief shifted. The approach you use in tending to your grief may vary based on your age, your support network, economic situation, or gender. It can be influenced by where you live, how the person died, unresolved issues that need to be addressed, complex family/stepfamily situations and other factors. Life After Loss describes how to take these circumstances into consideration, create a plan that works best for you and implement it at a comfortable pace. I can relate to loss because I’ve gone through it. The recommendations in this book are based on my own experience as a widow and Paul’s caretaker, along with an understanding of modern best practices for grief support. I’ve led grief groups for Hospice of Santa Cruz County, providing support to widows, widowers, partners and their families for more than 10 years. From firsthand experience, I also understand the impact that loss can have on the children of the deceased. These experiences have enabled me to help many people cope with loss and issues related to family dynamics. I’ve helped them to find fulfillment in their lives and relationships. Although the path to rebuilding your life may seem frustrating and overwhelming at times, you can emerge from this experience with resilience and insight you had never expected. There are steps you can take that will be comforting, practical, and rewarding over time. Life After Loss will be your guide to help you take control. Keep in mind that when lose the one you love, your own identity changes. I’ll show you how to cope with the “new normal,” help you to develop goals, expand your horizons, make informed decisions, and nurture relationships with others. You’ll discover how to define who you are and what you want. Perhaps you’ll pursue a rewarding hobby or career. In fact, you might even find a new companion or fall in love again. Although the prospect of entering into a new relationship may be the furthest thing from your mind now, it could happen someday. So, be open to new possibilities. I did and found happiness again, just like some of the other people that you’ll read about in this book. Although Life After Loss doesn’t replace professional help, it’s designed to provide you with comfort and tools to assist you throughout your grief journey. The stories of people you’ll read about are composites based on real-world scenarios. They’re about people dealing with many of the challenges you might experience. They don’t refer to any specific individuals, except where I’ve clearly indicated that some were my family members or friends. ________________________________________________________________ Everyone should read what’s in the Appendix. However, if your loss has been recent—such as within the last year—I suggest that you read the Appendix first. The Appendix describes the grief process and includes strategies for getting through the first year. Then, read the first two chapters, which will help you to work through the tasks of grief and develop approaches for healing. In some cases, it might be many months before you’re prepared to focus on the other sections. But keep this book handy, so that it’s available when the time is right. ___________________________________________________________________ These questions may help you to define if you’re ready to move forward with the next stage of rebuilding your life. You’ll find out how to address them and explore many other topics of interest in Life After Loss. • Are you ready to get started on working through your grief and finding joy again? • Are you interested in discovering who you really are and what you want now that your role has changed? • Would you like to learn ways to deal with everyday challenges? • Do you have the energy to make some changes? • Have you thought about what it takes to declutter your home or life? • Do you know how to get the emotional, logistical and financial support you might need? • Are you interested in going back to work or engaging in social activities, but don’t know how to get started? • Do you need help dealing with family dynamics? • Are you struggling with deciding where to live? • Would you like to identify and set some achievable goals?