Jeff the Maverick Pecker

BATTERED, BRUISED AND NOWHERE TO GO Battered and bruised, painfully motionless, they lay there, soaking up the stillness. The sheer delight of touching the ground was calming and relieving. They just laid there looking at the sky. It was a comfortably warm, grass meadow. Jeff closed his eyes after the relaxation hit all his being and he succumbed to melting into comfort. Hedgy said nothing. He too was overwhelmed with just not moving. Jeff woke up cold. The warm day had turned to a biting chilly evening. In the undergrowth, they were duveted with foliage on all sides, which helped the intensity of the drafts. Hedgy moved slightly to get a better position for one of his tiny legs that had been squashed to numbness. He jiggered to the irritation of pins and needles in his back toes. Jeff got angry and told him to keep still because every time Jeff moved he could feel every hurt that had been inflicted on him in the middle of the day. Jeff heard rustling. Movement from the left was getting louder, closer and frightfully scarier with every breath. Hedgy sat as a statue and sent, ‘what the hell was that,’ messages to Jeff. A rat that looked over Jeff’s bell end and darted past to catch a vole for his supper approached them. He threw his body over Jeff and caught his prey. As quick as he came, as quickly he went. They could hear weird noises, owls hooting, things shuffling. Things were crawling over them as their muscles froze, so as not to be felt, seen, or heard. Hedgy thought, ‘was there nowhere safe for us?’ They both agreed that if they stayed where they were, it would be only time before they were eaten alive. It was time to move on but slowly, very slowly. As they moved, they realised their aches and pains went with every motion. Hedgy saw a flat surface and realised it was a tarmac ked path. It was also easier to walk on. It was smoother for their aches and pains to glide. As time moved on so did the pains of escape. Eventually the rhythm and motion flexed their muscles to become easier to manoeuvre. After a mile or two, they spotted a dilapidated shed or barn. Either way it looked a dam site safer than from whence they had come from. Jeff said quietly and tiredly, ‘shall we stop here then?’ Hedgy replied exhausted, ‘yeah, jump off.’ ‘You know I can’t do that. Just take a chill pill. That corner over there looks safe for now.’ Hedgy was fed up already of carrying Jeff and retorted, ‘you’re too heavy. Just get off my back, will ya. You’re killing me?’ Jeff was in no mood for arguing and totally ignored Hedgy’s grumbles. He fell down and Hedgy hit the decking floor sideways. He was just about to give another mouthful to Hedgy, when he just told him to sleep. Hedgy was just about to gripe when he ended up just listening and agreed to, just sleep. NO PEACE FOR THE WICKED Morning rain chucked it down. The leaky roof dripped globules of water on their bodies. They were cold, uncomfortable and bemused as to how they both ended up the way they had. It was a question of circumstance and a judgement call for both of them. Hedgy demanded, ‘ok, the games over. I want you off my back for good. I want my life back. I have friends in high places that would do you over just for the hell of it.’ ‘Ok, what ya gonna do about it. I’m stuck to your stupid back and welded to you spiny things. How the hell are you gonna separate us. I would love to get back to my body and be so called normal again. To be quite honest life was so much easier. You get your mates and get me off you.’ ‘Hang on. Where are we? I’ve never been to this neck of the woods.’ ‘You’re lucky, I’ve only ever seen daylight a few times in my life, so no I don’t know where the fuck we are. You are asking the wrong dick.’ ‘Ok, right. Let’s try and find somebody who can help us get away from each other then’ ‘Whhooooppppeeeee, we have a plan. Who, where, what are we gonna do then?’ Hedgy prized his body up and heaved with all his might to get to his feet. Jeff obliged by trying to swing forward and balanced his weight for the purpose of moving forward. It worked. Both were standing and ready to find a solution to their problems. Hedgy decided to prioritise first things first and eat something. His belly was rumbling and whatever he ate also fed Jeff. He was very good at chasing worms and then pulling them out of the ground. He spotted one. He dug his nose in the soil until he could feel the flesh of his prey. He bit the nose of the worm and pulled. A little, at a time, the worm stretched to the surface and Hedgy quickly gripped it until he had half the worm’s body clamped in his teeth. One more big pull and he had the soft wriggly skin in his mouth, chomping away until it was no more. Jeff decided he just could not look at what Hedgy was doing because he found it revolting, to say the least. Jeff started to wretch and deliberately asked Hedgy to try to find some bread because he liked bread. Hedgy replied sarcastically, ‘yeah, right, I will just go to the local shops and get you a couple of loaves. You just wait here.’ Jeff replied indignantly, ‘very good. In addition, don’t forget the dog food for you. Woof, Woof!’ Hedgy ignored him and pulled a few more worms to munch whilst Jeff tried not to watch. Hedgy eventually became satisfied with his feast and trotted more comfortably along the meadow-grassed path. A woman of petite stature trotted with a tiny Chihuahua dog. He had his nose up in the air smelling the scent of adventure. He tasted Hedgy and could not quite work out what was on his body. The dog stood to attention and the woman followed. The dog then pulled her vigorously towards Hedgy and tried to bite his little shins. The woman screamed, ‘Rocky, stop that. Rocky, no.’ Hedgy screeched and tried to get away. Unfortunately, for them both, the woman took note of Jeff on the top of Hedgy and her eyes analysed this strange looking overgrowth on the hedgehog’s spikes. She instantly jumped to the conclusion that the hedgehog had got a cancerous growth and needed medical emergency right away. She thought she could save an animal in distress by taking control and curing his illness. With that thought, she took from her pocket one of those pooh bags for dog shite and covered Jeff and Hedgy fully in white plastic. They tried struggling but the straps held firmly and the plastic was quite strong. One of Hedgy’s legs was dangling out of the bag and the dog tried to bite it. Fortunately, the woman had the decency to manipulate his leg into a safer place. The first thing she did was seemingly walk forever to her home, which incidentally was roughly two miles away from where they were discovered. The Chihuahua would not leave the pair alone. He kept on jumping up at the plastic container holding Jeff and Hedgy all the way home. Jeff thought, ‘that woman’s got a lot of patience to have a dip stick like that for a friend.’ Eventually, they arrived and the contents of the bag, namely Jeff and Hedgy were dropped into a cardboard box. This time the husband of the woman stared straight at Jeff and Jeff wriggled to hit him on the head. The man said in horror, ‘that’s not a tumour that’s alive. It moved. It tried to kick me and it looks like a Penis.’ ‘What D’you mean it kicked you? It’s some kind of growth, not a penis. You stupid man. Get away. I am going to take it to our vets.’ ‘Whatever. I tell you it’s alive and kicking.’ ‘Out of my way. Talk to you later.’ With that, she took the box and contents and drove to her nearest vets, without the Chihuahua. She went in and registered her problem. She must have waited at least an hour and a half and then she heard the vet ask her to go into a private room. She smiled and followed. When she got into the small room, she put the box on the table. The vet peered into it and was amazed and puzzled as to what she saw. She said, ‘it looks like a human penis attached to a hedgehog.’ ‘Don’t be stupid. It can’t be. EEwwwwww, how gross.’