Practical Tips for Parenting
Equipping Families for Positive Living
by
Book Cover & Preview Text
LISTENING TO THE HEART
Most people never really listen. There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. Listening and acknowledging in families may seem simple, but most of the time we don't do it well. Family members must learn to listen to understand and reflect back what they hear. We are to be swift to hear and slow to speak (James 1:19). “Each must pay attention to each other's interest, not just their own. God listens to us even with our issues, when we complain and when we are joyful. Families must do likewise.
Listening effectively is an important communication skill. How you listen is most significant.
Listening in a way that demonstrates understanding and respect makes the difference. Children often feel like they aren't listened to. Inside they are saying, “You just don't get it, do you?”
Sometimes your children just need to be heard and acknowledged before they become willing to consider an alternative to the position they presently hold.
Every family member needs to learn to listen as if they were standing in the other person's shoes, seeing through the other person's eyes and listening through the other person's ears. Viewpoints may be different. You may not necessarily agree with the person, but as you listen, you understand from their perspective.
You practice active reflective listening when you listen attentively and repeat back what you thought you heard. This helps to avoid misunderstandings because family members have to confirm that they do really understand what the other person has said. It tends to open up the conversation. When there is a conflict, family members often contradict each other, denying the other person's description of a situation. This tends to make people defensive, and they will either lash out, or withdraw and say nothing more. However, when we feel that the other person is really attuned to our concerns and wants to listen, we are likely to explain in detail what they feel and why. Now we can look at a solution.
Pay attention to the content and the feelings of what is being said. For example, your child might say “I don't like school. It isn't much fun.” Talk about each aspect. Don't lecture them before they are even finished talking or get angry. You may then learn how they really feel, or they may keep their feelings to themselves in the future. These types of conversation can dispel emotions.
Children get frustrated when you do not give your full attention. If you are unable to give your full attention at the time your child wants you to, let them know and set another time when you can focus. Make sure you get back to them.
TIPS FOR LISTENING WELL
Pay attention: Give your full attention: Prove you care by stopping all other activities. Don't pretend to listen while you formulate or plan your comeback. Rather than asking your child how was your day or did anything happen today that you might want to talk about, you might say, “I take it all went well today.” Your child then has the choice to tell you differently if they desire. When you bombard them with too many questions, they may feel on the spot and pressured and may shut down.
Respond: Responses can be both verbal and nonverbal (nods, expressing interest) prove you received the message, and more importantly, prove it had an impact on you. Respond in ways that encourage the other person to share his/her reasons for feeling as they do
Listen for Understanding. Tell the person what you understand. When the message you receive is unclear or vague say “Can you clarify that for me? Do you mean that? Are you saying...?” This not only checks the accuracy of what you heard, it encourages the person to elaborate.
Paraphrase: Prove your understanding by paraphrasing and using your own words to verbalize your understanding of what is being said. It helps your children to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear you play back without criticism what they just said. It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement are not so magnified.
Reflect back: Reflecting back what we hear helps to give a chance to become aware of what is really going on below the surface. What are the feelings in a message? Reflective listening encourages the other person to become more aware of their feelings and to express more accurately. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
Respect: Prove you take others views seriously by choosing words and using a tone of voice that shows you are trying to imagine being where they are at the moment.
Be empathic and non judgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of your children's viewpoints and their feelings without invalidating or giving up your own position.
Take time to practice listening with your children or friends. See what a difference it makes. In your communications this week try asking these kinds of questions: Are you saying? Do you mean? Can you clarify that for me? Tell me the whole story. I need to hear more about this. I'd like to hear your viewpoint. Would you like to talk about it? I gather you felt angry or frustrated or confused when…Listen to the heart!
THINGS TO AVOID WHEN LISTENING
Don't respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words.
Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room.
Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
Do not just wait to promote your own point of view.
Do not interrupt.
Watch your tone of voice, facial expressions and posture.
Avoid questions that hinder conversation.
Do not try to solve the problem.
Do not react to “push button” emotional words.
Most people never really listen. There is a real distinction between merely hearing the words and really listening for the message. Listening and acknowledging in families may seem simple, but most of the time we don't do it well. Family members must learn to listen to understand and reflect back what they hear. We are to be swift to hear and slow to speak (James 1:19). “Each must pay attention to each other's interest, not just their own. God listens to us even with our issues, when we complain and when we are joyful. Families must do likewise.
Listening effectively is an important communication skill. How you listen is most significant.
Listening in a way that demonstrates understanding and respect makes the difference. Children often feel like they aren't listened to. Inside they are saying, “You just don't get it, do you?”
Sometimes your children just need to be heard and acknowledged before they become willing to consider an alternative to the position they presently hold.
Every family member needs to learn to listen as if they were standing in the other person's shoes, seeing through the other person's eyes and listening through the other person's ears. Viewpoints may be different. You may not necessarily agree with the person, but as you listen, you understand from their perspective.
You practice active reflective listening when you listen attentively and repeat back what you thought you heard. This helps to avoid misunderstandings because family members have to confirm that they do really understand what the other person has said. It tends to open up the conversation. When there is a conflict, family members often contradict each other, denying the other person's description of a situation. This tends to make people defensive, and they will either lash out, or withdraw and say nothing more. However, when we feel that the other person is really attuned to our concerns and wants to listen, we are likely to explain in detail what they feel and why. Now we can look at a solution.
Pay attention to the content and the feelings of what is being said. For example, your child might say “I don't like school. It isn't much fun.” Talk about each aspect. Don't lecture them before they are even finished talking or get angry. You may then learn how they really feel, or they may keep their feelings to themselves in the future. These types of conversation can dispel emotions.
Children get frustrated when you do not give your full attention. If you are unable to give your full attention at the time your child wants you to, let them know and set another time when you can focus. Make sure you get back to them.
TIPS FOR LISTENING WELL
Pay attention: Give your full attention: Prove you care by stopping all other activities. Don't pretend to listen while you formulate or plan your comeback. Rather than asking your child how was your day or did anything happen today that you might want to talk about, you might say, “I take it all went well today.” Your child then has the choice to tell you differently if they desire. When you bombard them with too many questions, they may feel on the spot and pressured and may shut down.
Respond: Responses can be both verbal and nonverbal (nods, expressing interest) prove you received the message, and more importantly, prove it had an impact on you. Respond in ways that encourage the other person to share his/her reasons for feeling as they do
Listen for Understanding. Tell the person what you understand. When the message you receive is unclear or vague say “Can you clarify that for me? Do you mean that? Are you saying...?” This not only checks the accuracy of what you heard, it encourages the person to elaborate.
Paraphrase: Prove your understanding by paraphrasing and using your own words to verbalize your understanding of what is being said. It helps your children to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they hear you play back without criticism what they just said. It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of disagreement are not so magnified.
Reflect back: Reflecting back what we hear helps to give a chance to become aware of what is really going on below the surface. What are the feelings in a message? Reflective listening encourages the other person to become more aware of their feelings and to express more accurately. This helps to bring things into the open where they can be more readily resolved.
Respect: Prove you take others views seriously by choosing words and using a tone of voice that shows you are trying to imagine being where they are at the moment.
Be empathic and non judgmental. You can be accepting and respectful of your children's viewpoints and their feelings without invalidating or giving up your own position.
Take time to practice listening with your children or friends. See what a difference it makes. In your communications this week try asking these kinds of questions: Are you saying? Do you mean? Can you clarify that for me? Tell me the whole story. I need to hear more about this. I'd like to hear your viewpoint. Would you like to talk about it? I gather you felt angry or frustrated or confused when…Listen to the heart!
THINGS TO AVOID WHEN LISTENING
Don't respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or intent beyond the words.
Avoid looking at your watch or at other people or activities around the room.
Be careful about crossing your arms and appearing closed or critical.
Do not just wait to promote your own point of view.
Do not interrupt.
Watch your tone of voice, facial expressions and posture.
Avoid questions that hinder conversation.
Do not try to solve the problem.
Do not react to “push button” emotional words.
Formats
Softcover
£9.14
Softcover
£9.14
Book Details
Language :
English
Publication Date :
06/02/2014
Format :
Softcover
Dimensions :
6x9
Page Count :
94
ISBN :
9781491853962
About the Book
Home is the place where love begins, where we find agreement and purpose, and where we build character. Our children learn about their world through watching and imitating us. What we give them passes from generation to generation. By the time you finish this book, you will have keys to establish and practice positive experiences within your home: keys for the ever-increasing flow of love in your home; keys for enhancing good self-esteem in your children; keys for expressing feelings responsibly; keys for fostering conversation with your family; keys for listening well; keys for smoothing out the bumps in family life; and keys for family cooperation - responsibility, respect, rules, and family meetings.