The Dysfunctional Relationships of Givers and Takers

Through many years of teaching, clinical practice, and personal experiences, we have had the opportunity to conduct an informal survey. We have asked hundreds of never married, married, or previously married people a simple question: “How many of your relationships have been worthwhile? All things considered, when you think of the intimate relationships you have been involved with, how many of them have brought you more satisfaction than dissatisfaction?” In answering the question, we asked them to consider only the relationship itself. For instance, many people might have had what they consider to be a bad marriage, but remain grateful they married because children they adore and love resulted from the marriage. In this case, we asked them to focus on what they got out of the relationship from a personal and psychological perspective, regardless of any joyful by-products, such as children, that may have come from the relationship. A few of the people we have asked were young adults in the 20s and 30s, but most of them were over 40, and some were even in their 50s and 60s. Regardless of age, however, most answers to the question fit into one of two categories: “None” or “One.” That is correct. Nearly everyone we ask says they have never had a relationship where the positives outweighed the negatives, or that they can only think of one relationship where that statement holds true. This surprising result suggests several realities about intimate relations: • We often see things very differently in retrospect. Many obviously thought they were in much better relationships while in them than they did after their relationships ended. • A healthy and satisfying relationship is extremely hard to come by. It is very hard to cultivate a relationship that strengthens our commitment to it. • If we have a decent partner (and decent does not mean perfect!), we should think long and hard about ending the relationship when it is not everything we want or hope for. • If we have a decent partner, working very hard and putting forth concentrated effort to improve the relationship is a far better strategy than giving up on it because it does not meet our (often romanticized) ideals. The last statement above captures the essence of the task facing those in intimate relationships, and it is this task that we want to explore in this book. In other words, when it comes to building a relationship, how do partners clarify, define, and design the task facing them while they are in the relationship? How can we develop a more satisfying and meaningful relationship with someone we believe is worth committing to, before problems escalate out of hand and become too ingrained to correct? We will say it again: good relationships are hard to come by. In our informal survey, we asked a follow-up question to those people who answered with a number greater than two: “What happened to those worthwhile relationships? Why did they end?” The answers are usually along these lines: “I’m sorry to say I cheated on [him/her]”; “I just took [him/her] for granted”; “I didn’t realize I had something special that you don’t find every day”; “I just let the relationship slip away by not taking care of it.” These people learned that as we get older, the likelihood of finding a good mate decreases. Almost all of them wish they could turn back the hands of time, and they spoke of loneliness, unhappiness, and even depression. There are valuable lessons in their comments, and this perspective is useful to keep in mind as you read the material that follows.