Back From The Brink

 Chapter 1  How it all started I sometimes ask myself the question why me? How did I get this affliction, was it because of my family, school or eating habits as a child. I often wonder what was the trigger of me getting this awful disease, as I have no recollection of how it all started and how it has played such a significant role in my journey to date, affecting and taking away almost sixteen years of my life without me having any direct control. Many of you reading this may also ask yourself the same question……….Where did it all begin.......and how? I have such happy childhood memories, with food never being an issue. I remember at primary school loving school dinners; having ice-cream and caramel sauce for desert! I would always take part in activities in and outside of school; dancing and swimming – I loved all kinds of sports. Food played an insignificant role in my life at this time. I recall when I first went to secondary school I loved nothing more than to share or eat a whole flapjack at break times, then having lunch and looking forward to dinner in the evenings. What changed? How did I suddenly hate food so much that every time I ate I would feel like a failure? I loved nothing more than to make an excuse not to eat breakfast, as I knew I could get away with just eating a pear for lunch then going to dance classes for three hours in the evenings. I dreaded the questions from my mum ‘so what did you eat today?’ I had to lie and pretend, which I did not like doing, but it was the only way. I know deep down my mum knew....but she was afraid to go deeper for fear of my reaction. I dreaded the thought of having to eat dinner. I constantly thought that people would be able to see through my leotard, into my stomach, at dance the next day. This went on for some considerable time, almost sixteen years. All I knew is that I looked fat in my leotard, but looking back the reality was so different, I just didn’t see it. Then reality hit and I realised that I could no longer get away with eating so little in front of people without the constant questioning. So how could I eat and then get rid of it? I already exercised to the extreme, and then it was though a light had been switched on! Yes, I thought, I can eat and I then make myself sick, that way people, especially my mum, will think I’m eating normally and the questions, which I dreaded, would stop. It seemed so easy. I had no idea, at the time, that I was not the only one who had made this ‘miraculous’ discovery. This is the solution that so many people use to avoid being confronted with their extreme eating habits, but at this time, and for many years to come, I was to think that I was completely isolated in feeling this way. As my healing progressed I realised that I really was not alone in my excessive behaviour. I look back now and see how much I needed help, but didn’t know it. Even if someone had reached out to help then, I would have shut them out of my life; but maybe, just maybe, if I had come across a resource or book that showed me that this is an illness, and an illness that many people, not just me, are afflicted with and that it can be cured, then the next sixteen years of my life (on which this book is based) need not have been so painful. That time has passed, and fortunately, I have since found my way and my life is full of joy and happiness – I am ecstatically happy. Here is my story, and with it is my sincere hope that it will bring comfort to those in need of help in the realisation that you are not alone, help is waiting in the wings to be beckoned and so reach out and allow your healing to start today!  Chapter 2  How food controlled me and my life ……I would continue with not eating breakfast, having a pear for lunch and then when I had to eat dinner in the evenings I could get rid of it...how? Without anyone noticing....I could just take my bath or shower in the evenings straight after dinner and no one would know that I was throwing up. All kinds of emotions and thoughts where running through my head. How was I going to do this? I starting by sticking my fingers down my throat which seemed very easy, but after some time it didn’t have the same effect, so what next? I then decided to use a toothbrush to help me vomit. This was painful, my throat become sore and I could hardly swallow. One day I was flicking through a magazine and I stumbled upon an article about a girl who was suffering from Bulimia, which explained that she drank shampoo to make herself sick. I then decided that I would try this even though, of course, I didn’t have a problem. I definitely was not suffering from an eating disorder. This was just my way of controlling my life.