Hold on to your Panties and have Fun

Fun and Funny Excerpts From “Hold On To Your Panties and Have Fun” By Emily Joanne Hoover This book doesn’t contain anything perishable, liquid, or flammable. It does contain interesting, somewhat racy and shocking life stories that will have you LAUGHING OUT LOUD as you gain insight into your own life. In order to understand this book you may need to know how family and friends describe me. “Funny” By a lot of people. Hey, better than funny looking. “Life of the party” Maybe. “Amusing” Could it be? “Hot Lips” High school and college friends who tease me about playing the trumpet and the mellophone. “Mischievous” You think? “Inspirational” Really? “Hot Foot” Isn’t that what the fast lane is for? After all, being called “Hot Foot” and “Hot Lips” is the closest I have gotten to being called “A Hottie.” “Bad” I just try to make life around me as interesting and fun as possible. Some women might be horrified to be called bad. Since I am really good at being bad, I consider it an honor. People seldom talk about underwear. I love to have fun with underwear. Maybe not the kind of fun you are thinking of. Last summer while at Walmart, my eye happens to catch sight of tiger 196 Fun and Funny Excerpts print bikini panties. They were on sale for $3.00! Who of my many girlfriends could I have the most fun sending these to? Soon I am grinning thinking of my new adorable daughter-in-law and Viv, my 85 year old red-headed friend who acts 45, and is starting to date a younger guy. Both of these gals share my “wicked bad ass” sense of humor. I have to tell “the check out lady,” I plan to send the card with the panties that says, “Put a tiger in your tank girlfriend-grrr.” She giggles and I laugh all the way home. I tell hubby my plan and he grins. Soon I was on my way to the post office. The guy there recognizes me. He asks me if I have anything liquid, perishable, flammable, etc. I say, “No, they are just “tiger panties.” His blush made my day! The very next day I see Viv at bridge. She comes over, grinning and thanks me for the panties. I say, “ What panties?” “You know damn well what panties. None of my other friends would do that!” I said “Really? What a pity,” as I grin. She went on to say they “fit perfectly.” I love making people happy. One when our oldest son was about 11 we were eating dinner and discussing the planned breeding of our first Champion Dalmatian. I said, “Can you believe that I was the only one in my family that was planned?” Quick on the draw, S.C. said, “Gee, Mom to look at you, no one would believe you were planned.” I do so love it when someone “gets me” good. One day a pal of T.J.’s went with us to the Atlanta show, which was held not far from home. While I was chatting with a friend, T.J. took one of the dogs to the van. He returned to tell me we had to stay for Best in Show. He said he overheard that several of the professional handlers had gone together to hire a streaker, who would be appearing during Best in Show. The boys were excited. (They were about 12 at the time.) Hey, they might see a naked woman! I seriously doubted that something like that would happen. The show chairman was an older gal who was quite dignified, as was the judge. I told the boys this and decided to stay anyway, since it would soon be time for Best in Show, which is always exciting. Well, it was more exciting than I ever expected. The judge moved the dogs around the ring. Just before he was to go over the first dog, a young gal (20-30 years old) in a raincoat and a wide-brimmed hat, appeared at ringside. She quickly removed the coat and ran diagonally across the ring in green knee socks- minus shoes and clothes. About halfway across the ring she took off her hat and let her long hair fall out. Everyone laughed as she got red. She quickly disappeared, and the judging continued. That was the last time T.J.’s little friend went with us. His mom didn’t speak to me again. I found out the handlers were “fun guys” I knew. As Hubby and I were finishing the building of our Florida home, I checked daily to see how things were coming along. One day I was up in the bonus room talking with the building contractor. Up the stairs came an adorable 30-somthing electrician. He was tall, dark hair, great big blue eyes, and a damn fine muscled body. (Ok, I had to say it so you’d get the picture.) I was standing about three feet from the stairs when he appeared. I said to him, “Hi, I’m Emily.” To the contractor I said, “You didn’t tell me he was so handsome.” The electrician blushed, grinned, tripped and fell about three feet from me. I said, “I’ve waited all my life for a guy to fall at my feet.” Unfortunately, I haven’t seen him since. Fifteen years, but who’s counting? A few years ago Ludlow Porch, an Atlanta radio celebrity said, “Naked means no clothes, but Nekkid means no clothes and up to no good.” A Southern friend says, “There is nothing like an 80-year old Southern woman with a great sense of wit, who can take you out at the knees and you don’t even know you hit the porch.” I know exactly what she means. My sweet looking friend Faye, from North Carolina, at 80, verbally nearly knocked me down as she asked why I always ate the same foods. I told her about my food allergies. She says, “With all you have wrong with you Emily—your mama should have pinched your head off when you were born.” Is that just too funny? FOR MORE FUN STORIES BUY THIS BOOK, OK?