Your Shadow Named Shame
by
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I got very sick and could not think straight. Thoughts of my father’s behavior made me hallucinate on some nights. I felt dirty and worthless inside. I felt I deserved this terrible life. Detesting my factory job immensely, I tried to get into a better field. I took computer classes. I could not concentrate as my obsession to make things right was foremost in my mind.
I visited my family doctor - he looked at me with compassion.
“Katy, please tell me your story.”
I told him everything - my life in the country, my dad, brother, their drinking and my caretaking.
“Katy, please listen to me. You suffer from a disease called co-dependency. You also have been abused by your father. However, let us tackle the immediate problem first. A well known “cure” for living with an alcoholic is Al-Anon; a twelve step program for people affected by another’s drinking.”
“I am sorry Mr. Doc; I need to help my lunatic husband get better. There’s nothing wrong with me.”
“Katy, you don’t understand the nature of alcoholism. Here, take these leaflets and read them. Hopefully you will make up your mind to attend these meetings.”
I left the doctors office angry and disturbed.
“Me sick, what a joke – it is Andy who’s sick, not me. The Doc’s insane, so are all these men.”
I went home - I almost ripped the leaflets up but then opened my drawer and shoved them in. A month later things got worse. I threatened to leave with Sonny. Andy did not care. I began hating him to the extent that I prayed daily for his death.
Another month passed. I thought of the leaflets. I pulled them out; I read through them. “Maybe there’s some truth in this” I told myself. “Make myself better” sounds rather absurd though…
I attended my first Al-Anon meeting. They spoke of us leading better lives irrespective of the drinker. This was too far fetched. I left frustrated and angry.
“Katy, talk to me about the meeting - did you learn anything?”
“Yeah Mister, they taught us how to keep them men in their place.”
“Now girl, don’t start talking strange again please. Really, tell me more. How is this done?”
“Oh shut up Andy, I have wasted too much time on you.”
I don’t tell him that this program is supposed to change me.
I then found a guy “friend” at work – a good distraction. We talked a lot; we kissed once in a while just like with pappy, for the high and the rush; however, I was still obsessed in curing Andy. My insanity seemed to increase.
I told myself that I would try the program again.
INSERT IVY GLYPH
This time I attended the meetings diligently, following what they said.
One member shared an Al-Anon saying about alcoholism:
“I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.”
I needed to hear those words.
Another member read aloud:
HOW DO ALCOHOLICS AFFECT FAMILIES AND FRIENDS?
Alcoholism is a family disease. The disease affects all those who have a relationship with a problem drinker. Those of us closest to the alcoholic suffer the most, and those who care the most can easily get caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to the alcoholic's behavior. We focus on them, what they do, where they are, how much they drink. We try to control their drinking for them. We take on the blame, guilt, and shame that really belong to the drinker. We can become as addicted to the alcoholic, as the alcoholic is to alcohol. We, too, can become ill.
HOW WILL AL-ANON HELP ME?
Many who come to Al-Anon/Alateen are in despair, feeling hopeless, unable to believe that things can ever change. We want our lives to be different, but nothing we have done has brought about change. We all come to Al-Anon because we want and need help.
In Al-Anon members share their own experience, strength, and hope with each other. You will meet others who share your feelings and frustrations, if not your exact situation. We come together to learn a better way of life, to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.
From Al-Anon Web site, www.al-anon.alateen.org, copyright 2010, by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Reprinted by permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. Permission to reprint this excerpt does not mean that Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. necessarily agrees with the views expressed herein. Al-Anon is a program of recovery for families and friends of alcoholics—use of this excerpt in any non Al-Anon context does not imply endorsement or affiliation by Al-Anon.
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I accepted my co-dependent thinking. I admitted I was a very sick person. I needed to re-strategize my life. I dragged myself week after week into those rooms. My husband seemed nervous.
“Katy, speak to me about these meetings."
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About the Book
The Shadow is named shame. It hides in the mirror calling for resolution. Often
cunning, sometimes illuminating and forever persistent, the shadow will prevail
until acknowledged and named.
It waits to be christened.
Those suffering from addictions and accompanying neurosis are often lost in the shadow,
seemingly unable to transcend its dominance and dark allure. Still, in those who aren't
irredeemably lost, there is often an intrinsic understanding, "a sense" of the absence
of health, of incompleteness and of profound loss.
"Your shadow named shame" is a little treasure trove of stories and paintings beckoning the
reader to meet her shadow; a shadow named shame. It is a beckoning to meet and sup with
the dark lords who rule the castle, who inhibit the drawing of the curtains to light, joy and
awareness.
The stories illustrate the application of well established, time tested twelve step programs
as proven techniques in unraveling and addressing addictive, shame based behavior; behavior
leading inevitably to chaos and the loss of self.
"Your shadow named shame" is a call to walk toward peace through trusting the twelve step
process and your "higher power" as guides; it is a call toward a peace that you own and always
did.
About the Author
Mary-Anne Willis writes of the shame of addicts and co-dependents with an empathy and compassion of one who has a deep understanding of the suffering of those mired in these predicaments.
Each of the sensitively crafted stories in this book portrays the anguish of those who struggle to free themselves from the bonds of addictive behavior. The characters in each story, from Andrew to Patty to Amanda and David come alive as they struggle for autonomy and self-worth. Their journey is the author’s journey; it is our journey as well. Many of us have experienced addictive behaviors personally or certainly know someone who has. The addict’s journey, poignantly experienced by the author herself, is one fraught with pain, cunning, embarrassment and a vicious cycle of disingenuous and unpredictable behavior, leaving in its wake damaged lives and destroyed families.
Each of Mary-Anne’s stories skillfully demonstrate the wining and unique role of the anonymous programs in addressing childhood abuse - and its partner adult neuroses - as a means of moderating and in many cases successfully overcoming self destructive behavior patterns. Mary-Anne has personally experienced the redeeming power of the anonymous programs in her life and in her families’ journey from darkness to light.
Mary-Anne is planning to further her education in addiction counseling.
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