Wasting Away

"James?”

His whisper came, “Shhhh, my sweet, Sarah. You're safe in my arms.”

I opened my eyes, but he wasn't there. I closed them again and he was back. “I love you James.”

I woke abruptly. I don't remember why, but I couldn't wait for Day 6:

My knees cannot be found.

When I hear you my feelings swell,

This feeling I know well.

My first thought of the day is you,

I wish you knew,

I want to grow old with you,

I hope you feel this too.

With my eternal love,

James

I asked if we were going up north next weekend, and she paused for a long moment, “No, if it is stress, why don't we just relax here.”

I had to go back out to pick up the prescription and while I was there I picked up a scrapbook for my love notes from James. I made sure it had enough pages, one for each day that he was going to be gone. When I got home I took the six I already had read, some color paper and went to the kitchen. I burned the edges of each of the notes I had already read. I glued them to a color piece of paper and then in the book. I made the cover: My 7 weeks without James. I smiled and brought it to my room with me. I called Tony and explained that I was a little sick last weekend and I wouldn't be there next weekend. I went to bed for the night wanting to feel my James.

No luck on James being there, but I was better now anyway. I'm glad he was saving it for when I really needed him. I went to sleep. I woke to my phone ringing at 2 a.m.

"James?”

"Yeah.”

"Thank you for the last two nights, they were wonderful.”

"Sarah, did you go to the doctor?”

"Yes, it's just me being stupid and upset; my stomach took it out on me. You sound upset.”

"Sarah, if you need me I can come home.”

"No, I'm fine. The last two nights helped me so much. I've had two days without getting sick.”

"Are you sure?”

"Yes, James.”

"Sarah, if you were…I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for not being there with you.”

"Two for two on the `NO's,' James, and I'm good.”

"If you were, Sarah, I would be happy. Something as beautiful as a baby; coming from loving you.”

"James, I can tell you right now I am not ready for that.”

"I know, I'm not really ready either, but if you are…, don't take care of it without me, please.”

"James?”

"Don't destroy it; it would be ours.”

"James, I'm not. But you are scaring me a little. What are you feeling?”

"I feel like I need to come home.”

"I am not going to be the reason you didn't finish this. You are not coming home. If you feel I am, when I go back in two weeks, I will do another test, okay?”

"Okay, two more weeks, but Sarah you have to tell me. I don't know what it feels like either. I'm on the same page as Sam, but it is something.”

"You're really scaring me, James.”

"I'm sorry, but I just hate being away from you and there is something wrong. I feel it.”

"Why do you feel that?”

"I held your stomach for hours and I can't tell, but Sarah, make sure you go back in like you're suppose to in two weeks.”

"Can we talk about this ring?”

"I see we're changing the subject. Why do you want to talk about the ring?”

"James, it's too big.”

"It doesn't even come close to how much I love you.”

"Does that mean you love me too much?”

"Maybe.” I could tell he was smiling now, “James…”

"Yes, my sweet, Sarah.”

"You fill me up.”

"What?”

"I love you so much, and you give me what I need when I need it the most.”

"How can you say that; when I am so far from you?”

"But you're not. I felt you here last night. How do you do that?”

"I feel that all the time, Sarah. When you dream of me, I feel it like you are here. When you concentrate on needing me, I feel that too. I just shared it with you.”