Justice Before Mercy

INTRODUCTION

The initial intent of this journal was to simply document this journey so I could have an account of what happened.   However as I began to see how things unfolded over time, it occurred to me that maybe sharing this story might somehow be of benefit to others.

I had no idea what was going to happen, so you as a reader will take this journey with me.  At times it may be difficult to read, but I knew that I had to be honest no matter how embarrassing, humiliating, or shameful my revelations might be.  How could I help people understand if I wasn’t totally honest and open about what was happening to me?

It is important to say that what is written, is what I felt, thought and believed at the time.  Some beliefs turned out to be true and some didn’t.  I also want to apologize to anyone who might be hurt or offended by some of the things that I say.  I felt it was important to keep those things in there as a “teaching tool” for others, so please accept my apology in advance if anyone’s feelings are hurt or if you were offended.

One of my hopes by publishing this story is that victims of sexual abuse will be able to understand how this insidious crime has affected them and that they are not alone in their distress.  I hope that this book will be of help to the family members of abuse victims as well as their significant others in understanding the damage that occurs not only to the victim, but how it extends to people on the sidelines as well.

This book might also be of help to people who are going through the criminal complaint process so they may have a better understanding of what that will entail on an emotional level.  The judicial system alone can be traumatizing no matter how wonderful the district attorney, the detective and everyone else may be.

Finally I want to try and help society understand the serious ramifications of this type of crime.  There is a stigma that is attached to victims of sexual abuse and it is my hope and prayer that by opening up my story people will finally begin to realize the severity and depth of destruction this crime perpetuates.  In order to do that, I have included in this book my Victim Impact Statement, which is a list of ways that this has affected my entire life.  Preparing this statement is one of the requirements of the complaint process. It is excruciatingly private and though I cringe when I think that people will read it, I feel that it is necessary to convey the cumulative effects the abuse causes to victims.

I believe that society thinks that we as victims are to blame for the abuse.  People ask questions such as “Why did you let it happen”, “Why didn’t you tell?”, “Why did it happen so many times?”, “Why didn’t you file charges sooner”, “Did you love him?”, “How was the offender able to manipulate everyone?”, “How can you look happy in pictures back then?” And the list goes on.

People often don’t realize how hurtful and offensive these questions are to a victim because on some level we wonder about those things ourselves. The difficulty of a victim to answer those questions themselves is what reinforces society’s message that “you must have wanted it”.

The reality is it can happen to any child at any time.  There is a reason that offenders pick children as their victims. That is because they are so easy to manipulate.  I was a naïve, loving, trusting, and gullible child who was no match for this sexual predator.  That is exactly the type of child that they target.

Society also likes to think that this type of crime happens to only lower class and uneducated people.  Ruth, a friend and co-therapist says that this “belief” is a defense mechanism to protect themselves from ever believing that something this horrible could happen to “their family”.  It’s a form of denial when people say this doesn’t happen in - my community - in my neighborhood - in my parish - in my church – in my religion - in my close family - in my wealthy circles – on my sports team – in my school.  Like Ruth says, just fill in whatever you want in that “blank”.

Therefore it is with these intents that I lay open my life and soul so that maybe others can benefit from my journey.