Chava's Ordeal

It comes a time when most people need some or prolonged assistance with (ADL) Activities of Daily Living due to a temporary or chronic condition. As we get older, we get weaker, and sicker. Therefore, at some point we must hire a caregiver to help us. Some people require a companion, and others need nursing care.

            It is very common that the bourdon of taking care of a sick relative falls on one family member who feels obligated to take care for their sick. The patient could be a spouse, parent, child, sibling, a friend, or a neighbor. In the past, women stayed home, and they had more free time to reach out to the needy. Today, however, most women work out of the house, and do not have the time to help others. Because of the high divorce rate, more single mothers take care of themselves and their children. How then can they help others? Community members often feel it is better not to get involved, and people’s attitude today is, “I have my own problems.”

            Ahuva was a voluntary caregiver who chose to take care of her sickly and disabled mother for many years. This included taking care of three meals a day; all activities of daily living, oral and intramuscularl medications, schedule and take her patient for doctors’ appointments, tend for her patient during hospitalizations, and make all medical decisions for her patient. She responded to all emergency calls during the day or night. Ahuva often felt afflicted by putting up with medical providers, financial difficulties, collection agencies, and feeling guilty that other family members did not visit and help enough.    

          Ahuva was a sandwich attendant. She was raising three young children, looked out for her husband who felt abundant and left out, and she took care of her sick mother. Ahuva made all medical decisions (Proxy) to allow medical specialists to provide necessary medical care for her patient, and she handled all the bills when her mother had no medical insurance. With all the hardship, Ahuva feels fortunate that her siblings trusted her with all her decisions, and they never criticized her for doing anything wrong.

        Ahuva met many caregivers during the many years that she was taking care of her mother. They were not as lucky as she. Their siblings criticized and blamed them when things went wrong. These grumblers visited once a year before a holiday, or on Mothers’ Day.

        Ahuva was a Voluntary caregiver who did everything on her own, until her mother moved into a nursing home. There she became a cooperative caregiver. She visited her patient daily, fed her, communicated with medical staff one to one, and during care-plan meetings. She made all medical decisions, shopped for clothes, took her patient for doctor appointments, and for special care. She also accompanied and tended to her mother during short term and long-term hospitalizations.

Ahuva talks about the hardship afflicting caregiver. This hard job often causes mood swings, as well as physical, emotional, and spiritual breakdowns. It interferes with family life, and causes guilt trips.  Caregivers often blame and project their anger at other family members not involved. Ahuva would often be too tired to shower, dress properly, groom, go to parties, meet people, or invite guests. She eventually placed her mother in a nursing home for the sake of her young children, and her husband who always worked late hours to help her with her mother’s care.

             Ahuva shows strength by withstanding the many difficult years. Not surprisingly, she says with a smile, “If I had to do it all over for my mother, I would gladly do it.”