From Mourning to Morning

 I remember sitting outside in the court yard, it was raining and everyone was running through the garden to get to shelter, but I just sat there, crying, pleading with God to save my little boy, I heard the now familiar voice asking the question “Linda, do you trust Me”?  “Yes, Lord You know I trust you, I have trusted You from the beginning and I trust You now” I answered. And then it came, the question I didn’t want to hear, “Linda, will you trust Me even if I bring DJ home"? He asked. I cried so hard, I sat in that garden sobbing, feeling the grief, the sting of those words. I begged “please no Lord, please you know I will die too, I can’t lose my baby I pleaded, and what about Dan and the boys, Father you know it’s too much to ask’. “Linda, do you trust Me? The Fathers voice was perfectly clear cutting through all the sound of sobs and rain and pleadings. I stopped crying, I asked myself; Do I really trust You, do I ? 

 A flood of thoughts, feeling and emotions came through my soul, I was wrestling in the garden, I was in despair and that’s when I realized, Jesus You were here, in the garden, you wrestled with the Father in prayer, you know what this is like and  yes the Father knows too what it is like to lose a son, He willingly sent His own Son to the cross to die for me, for the forgiveness of my sins, I remembered God had a perfect reason for the death of His Son. It was a reason bigger then anyone could understand at the time. Even Jesus’ closest friends, His disciples couldn’t understand why He had to die, when Jesus told them what was coming they responded, No Lord! But Jesus submitted to the will of the Father and God accomplished His good and perfect will. And it was GOOD. Jesus made a way when there was no way, His trust in the Father showed me I really could also trust, Jesus’ sacrifice is why I could cry out, “Yes Lord, yes, I trust You, Yes even if you bring him home I trust you! You alone know what Your purpose is for DJ, I don’t know, all I do know is You are God. You see it all, You know it all You are great and trustworthy in all your ways, Yes, I trust You”. It was settled and I never again questioned God in this. Please understand this was my journey with the Lord. Everyone has their own journey and the Father knows you completely so if you are struggling at this point, it’s ok, the Father knows and He loves you. He will help you through your journey. In fact He loves when we run to Him with our hurts and our questions. He is Your very present help in time of need, He knows You by name because He is Your maker. He loves you so. DJ made it through that surgery in fact in two days he was up and around, we were home before we knew it.  One afternoon in December of 1994 I was standing at my kitchen sink doing dishes, the sun was shinning and all was well, DJ was sitting on the stool at the breakfast bar playing with play-dough right in front of me. He loved to make all kinds of animals and cars and such and I loved to watch him. Suddenly, I realized he had tears coming down his face. I was surprised because as far as I knew there was nothing wrong and DJ had become prettytough for a four year old, he really only cried when it was an issue of the heart, I asked him, “Deej, why are you crying baby”? What he said took my breath away, he said “Oh mommy I’m gonna miss you and daddy”. To which I replied, “DJ your not going anywhere and mommy and daddy aren’t going anywhere”. In my mind I knew that the surgery we had been waiting for since DJ was born, the Fontan, was only a few weeks away. I scooped him up in my arms and carried him to his room, we laid on his bed together as we so often did when we wanted to talk or pray or daydream together, DJ continued, “yes mommy, Jesus told me I am coming to live with Him”. DJ didn’t sound scared just sad but I lost it, I held him so tightly, we were crying together when just then Dan and Derek came bounding in the house returning from an errand.Dan looking very concerned asked what was going on and when I told him he didn’t skip a beat he just held DJ high over his head in the air and with a big smile said, “don’t worry buddy you’re here right now”. It was over for DJ, but just as Mary pondered these things in her heart so did I. Was the Lord telling me about the next surgery, was he preparing me?