Out In The Open

Who’s at Fault?

            As far as I could remember; it was a constant full time love affair. We shared everything, and our hearts were always beating as one. We loved each other unconditionally and gave ourselves what we needed to be soul mates. I remember asking you to be my wife because I did not want any one else to have you. I stayed with you for years loving who you were and all the meaningful experiences we shared as husband and wife, but something changed. Our feelings and emotional bond went down a road we did not expect. Was it my fault that I too dreamed of bliss and happiness? Should I have been more stern with your free hearted attitude?

             The changes that I went through allowing you to work out of town could be the focal point of our problems but I think it is even deeper than that. I honestly believe you stopped loving me when I decided to let you be the woman you wanted to be, verses the woman I needed.

             The pillow talk was something I always desired to show my affection, but that stopped because you preferred to watch televison or read a novel. I I think you liked talking at first but the sensitive man portion of me was either unattractive or boring. That always puzzled me because most women complain on an regular basis about men not sharing their feelings on the pillow. As a matter of fact, I was once told by a woman married 50 years that a marriage must be filled with conversation and understanding if it’s going to work! She also advised me that women need reinforcement to feel good about themselves and that it’s a mans duty to be lovingly supportive. I guess that works for some but not for all!!!

            You made me feel that being married was a chore not a pleasure. Your actions reflected no thoughts of caring and your mind seemed to be totally on you. That was definitely the case sexually. We stop having sex for so long that I honestly started believing it was normal for a couple married 10 years to behave in that manner. I would try to be romantic and always get rejected. Buying you something sexy didn’t work. Cooking your favorite dish would just get a thank you. I sometimes thought you were just tired until I followed you that night and discovered the truth. Boy was I shocked to see my wife of 10 years walking into a hotel room with a guy half her age. I knew it was not about stamina, because you knew I had the sex drive of trucker. I would stay on top of you until the alarm rung the next morning. Could it have been the thrill of sneaking around, or was it deeper than that? You told me that he listened and appreciated who you were. I believe that was just an excuse to say in the heat of the moment of being caught. As a matter of fact, you never really gave me a reason for cheating. You said it just happened. So what did I do? I forgave you, my wife of 10 years and pressed on but your attitude didn’t change. You kept doing your thing and I accepted your behavior for a while, but began trusting you less and less. To be honest, I finally had no trust in you at all. My emotions just broke down. I became alienated and my character made me feel I could never trust a woman fully again. I guess that’s when I started hanging out and focusing on me instead of us. I realized I needed to protect my heart and keep myself together for the next steps in my life. My focus needed to be wise and handled with care. The wisdom gained would be my vessel to a new life because rebuilding the old one was just too much. I wanted my heart to have love again and be with someone who could appreciate my mind, body, and soul.