Life in this World

The Deepest Love

At age three, mama and daddy were no longer together. I didn’t understand what divorce meant but I did know that daddy never came home anymore.  It was just my brother Brad, my sister Clar, mama and me at home now.  I really missed daddy a lot, it didn’t seem to bother Brad or Clar that he was gone, mama was all right with it to, but I felt lost. I loved him so much and I wanted him to come home and love me to.  I remember that not long after daddy left, mama took us and we all went to visit grand-mama and grandpa. Not knowing that this was a drop off point for us, her children, because mama was not there very long. She would come and visit every once in a while but she wouldn’t stay long. I was OK with that because I had a new mama, grand-mama was now mama to me, I called her mama.

Oh, I was glad to see mama when she came but I no longer called her mama, I called her Ella, just like everyone else except Brad and Clar they still called her mama.  Ella didn’t seem to mind me calling her Ella. Others in the family didn’t like it, they would say to me, that’s your mama, you should call her mama. But I couldn’t because deep down inside and not knowing any better at the time, I blamed her for daddy not coming home to love me.      Some children need the love of both parents, some need the love of mama and some need the love of daddy, to be whole.  Well, this little girl needed a daddy’s love.  Grand-mama who is now mama understood just how I felt, she would talk to me about him, tell me that he missed me to, then she would give me a great big hug and say that’s from your daddy, keep it till he gets here.  Mama was so good to me she loved me so much and I loved her to. While the other children were outside playing or going in other directions, I was always with mama. I was always under foot, “so to speak”, grandpa called me little mama.  Not, that she didn’t love the other children, it’s just that I was her special child and she let me know it.

Ella’s children were not the only children that had made it back to mama’s house. She had two other sisters who’s children were there to, and Jo Ann a fourth sister was there also. Even though, she was eighteen or nineteen or twenty one or something, I don’t know. All I know is that she didn’t like me, she would tell me, that ain’t your mama, fool, Ella is your mama and you know it. Mama would tell me don’t mind her she’s just jealous then she would hug me real hard and give me a big kiss and we would laugh so hard till my side would hurt. We did everything together, she taught me everything.  While the other children were outside playing I was learning things from mama, things like how to cook, sew, and sweep. She would let me sweep then she would sweep behind me to see if she could find any more dirt at first she did but after a while she couldn’t find any, then she would hug me and say, you got it baby, you got it.  You are so smart, you are my special child. God gave you to me and don’t you ever forget it.

Mama taught me that God sent his only son to die for our sins and since Jesus was willing to die for us, we should not sin or do wrong things, we should love all people.  Well, I do love everyone I just love daddy to.  We would dance around in the house as we cleaned it.  Grand-mama loved grandpa and did whatever he tell her to do.  She taught me how to make his favorite lemon pie. Then after eating a big slice, she would tell him that I made it and he would grab his stomach and pretend to be sick, then he would hug me and grin and say thank you, little mama, that was the best pie I ever had.

This is what I imagine that it would be like with daddy.  Sometimes I would sit on the porch for hours at a time waiting and hoping that he would come. At night, I would dream that I would see him walking down the road coming to the house.  I would run up the road to meet him, he would pick me up and hug me so tight then sat me on his shoulders and walk to the big tree in the front yard, put me down, sat me on his lap and we would laugh and talk for hours, until mama would call us to come in for supper then he would disappear. Once I dreamed that we were sitting in church then all of a sudden daddy stood up and started singing to the top of his voice, I don’t know what he was saying, but everyone was looking at us and smiling because I was standing with him. I always had dreams, but most of the time I couldn’t remember them for long.

As time passed mama got sick and died. I was in high school then with one year to go. Clar had gotten married at age seventeen and Brad was out on his own. That left me there with grandpa and Jo Ann and she still didn’t like me very much. Grandpa would take up for me when she was mean to me. The only thing wrong with that was that grandpa had a new girlfriend and he was gone most of the time.  I really missed mama it was like I was all alone.  I became a little depressed.  I couldn’t eat, sleep or study.  My grades begin to fall down from A and B to C and D and one F. Grandpa would tell me I needed to make some friends  but mama was my friend, we did everything together, to me I didn’t need a friend I needed and wanted mama.

I remembered what mama had said. We are never alone Jesus is always with us watching over us and if we live by his word we can ask for whatever we want and he will give it to us.  I began to pray to God for strength. I would read the Bible every chance I got. I would look for readings in the Bible that would fit me.

I would even take it to school and read it, my grades shot right back up.  Every night when I would say my prayers I wo