Apology From One Sista' To Another

I watched as they lowered the casket into the six-foot deep hole.  My hands were shaking and my heart was broken.  I hardly knew this woman, but the guilt wouldn’t let me rest - I had to say my final goodbye and apologize to her yet once again.  I remembered times when I wished this woman dead, but I didn’t think it would happen – not this soon and not in that way.  There was so much that I wanted to say.  So many apologies I wanted to make, but now was too late.  The tears wouldn’t stop traveling down my caramel colored cheeks which were of a plum color when I left the house this morning, but the rainfall of tears washed all of the color away.  I wanted to end the nightmares, clear my conscience and finally sleep again.

“Sophie was only 30 years old!” I thought to myself.  “30 years old!  Why did this have to happen?  She didn’t deserve this – no one deserves to die like this!”  The more I thought of the situation, the angrier I became.  I started to break down again.  My whole body felt as if it were on fire and I felt that if I didn’t hurry up and get out of there, I would faint and cause the family more grief than they already endured.  Like they didn’t have enough to worry about already!

An older woman, who looked exactly like Sophie, only older, comforted me.  “You two were close?” she asked.

I didn’t know how to respond to that question.  Yes, I’ve had several encounters with Sophie, but nothing was friendly about it.  “Uh…yes, we were friends,” I lied.  And the lie only made me angrier with myself.  “Are you her mother?” I asked trying to change the subject.

“Yes, baby,” said Sophie’s mother.  “Sophie was my youngest baby.  I can’t believe she’s gone.  It’s just not fair that a child goes before her parents.  But it was her time.  That’s the way the Lord planned it - probably not in the way she went, but He planned for her to be with Him.”

Sophie’s mother tried her best to comfort me, but the more she spoke of her daughter, the angrier she became also.

“Oh, my sweet baby!” she cried.  “My baby! My baby! My baby!”

I embraced Sophie’s mother.  At that moment, I wished it were me lying six feet deep.  “I’m so sorry, Ms…..”

“Just call me Paulette, everyone calls me that,” Paulette said as she wiped the tears from her eyes.

“And you can call me Rita,” I said.  I tried my best to give Paulette a comforting smile, but that only made her stare harder at me.  I was starting to feel very uncomfortable and more guilty than ever before.

“You look very familiar.  Have we met before?” Paulette asked.

“I think I may have seen you around at my poetry club,” I said as I looked away.  I prayed that she wouldn’t remember the evening of our encounter – the evening that I started to hate her daughter.

“Yes, of course.  Soul Expressions, is it?” she asked.

I noticed that Paulette’s voice was not as sweet as it was a second before.

“Yes, I am the owner,” I said while feeling very uncomfortable.

“I’ve visited that place a couple of times.  I always have a good time when I visit. That’s where my baby met that….”  Paulette went into a trance for a second and jumped out of it when I touched her arm. She never completed the rest of her sentence, but instead gave me another warm smile.  “Well, thank you, baby.  Thank you for being her friend.  I can tell that you loved her very much.”

That statement only made things worse.  Why did she have to say that?  I didn’t love Sophie and Sophie didn’t love me!  I had lots of nerve for even showing up here!  I had to get away.  If I didn’t get out of there, I was going to puke all over myself.  I panicked.  I grabbed Paulette’s hand and rushed my goodbye.  “Nice meeting you, Paulette. I gotta get out of here!…I mean…I have to leave.  I’m very sorry for your loss.”  My hands were trembling again and beads of sweat were starting to form on my forehead.

“Are you alright, baby?” she asked.

“I just gotta get out of here!”  I screamed as I ran to my car.  I didn’t mean to be so dramatic, but I couldn’t breathe.  I felt as if the guilt was smothering me.  I took several breaths trying to calm down.  Nothing would rid me of my heartache.  After I got in my Land Rover, locked the doors and rolled up my windows, I could no longer hold it all in.  I scared myself by the way I was carrying on - like I was losing my mind!  I decided to let it all out once and for all and that’s when I screamed and beat the shit out of my dashboard.  “I’m so sorry, Sophie!  I’m so sorry!” I cried.