From the Guidance Counselor's Office

What’s In It For You?

You know we all like to reach out and touch someone. We like to help someone. We like to listen, to give advice and just be there, but have we ever examined why we like to do those things?

Many times it is because the other person needs assistance and we are being a good person. But sometimes, there could be a hidden ulterior motive. Maybe we really need to reach out to satisfy our own wants. Perhaps we never felt worthwhile. By reaching out to others we become validated, we become important, we become necessary. We buy them many gifts; we had never received too many. We give a compliment because maybe we are fishing to get one in return.

Perhaps we were a lousy student in high school. By pushing our child to really excel, we, in turn, are getting a second chance to excel. Yes, we do care about him, but inwardly there is another reason we are helping him.

Maybe we encourage our son to play a sport. Perhaps he really doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t want to upset us so he goes along with our wishes. We yell and scream from the sidelines. We are filled with pride, but there’s another reason for our feelings. When we were young, we rode pine, we sat on the bench, but now, through our son, we have a second chance.

Our son wants to apply to a certain college; we want him to apply to a different one. Is it because we never had a chance to apply to that one or maybe we were rejected when we did apply?

Our daughter brings home a date. We really don’t like him, yet he has wonderful qualities. Perhaps it’s because we remember some negative experiences we had concerning the dating scene and don’t want the same thing to happen to our daughter.

And what about smothering our kid? That does happen. We so want to get love. Our parents didn’t pay attention to us, so we overburden our child with all the love and attention we can bestow. Yet, what’s in it for us? I’ll tell you…love that we didn’t get before; love that we desperately need now.

You know all our actions are really reactions to bits and pieces that are inside of us…the wants, the desires, and the past experiences that have molded us. And that’s okay. What’s not okay is to not recognize why we are doing something, to not recognize the other person’s wants and desires. Are we meeting those or are we meeting ours? Are we really doing what our child needs and wants, or are we doing what we need and want?

The other day a young lady came into my office. She poignantly said, “You know what really bugs me, Mrs. Cohen? My dad…he’s always on my case to be so good at my sport. He yells, he screams, he carries on when I make a mistake, and you know what my grandma told me…he really stunk at the same sport!! So why is he doing this to me?” I went on to explain to her that it wasn’t because he was mean or mercilessly pushing her to excel; rather, it was filling a void in his life. It was a chance for him to succeed through her.

I know we all want to do what’s best for our children, but making them in an image that we want, that makes us feel better, is not the answer. So do question yourself and ask “What’s in it for me?” and then regroup and do something that will answer, “What’s in it for them?”