THE SHADOWS OF MY LIFE

It wasn’t long before I met Pricilla who was affiliated with several different gang members. She lived in my neighborhood, rode my bus, and was in a couple of my classes so it was easy to become friends.  Although I was trying to start over, I still dressed the part and just because my location changed, didn’t mean my mentality had changed. I vowed to myself that I wasn’t going to have sex with anyone, but that I was going to deal with my issues without becoming sexually and emotionally involved with another person.

However, my friendship with Pricilla made it impossible for me to keep my vow. Pricilla had a boyfriend who was a 5x2 Hover Crip, and he was interested in hooking me up with one of his homeboys. Pricilla was also affiliated with Sur 13, a predominantly Hispanic gang, and she had a boyfriend in that gang as well. She and I would roll Southside in her man’s car where the Hover Crips kicked it, and we also went to the parties in Northside where the Sur 13 kicked it. 

I met Eugene at a Sur 13 party, and I thought he was cute.  We exchanged numbers, kicked it a couple of times before he got locked up. One day I called his house and his brother told me he was in prison and that he had a woman and a child.  His brother Anthony liked the way I sounded, so he started paging me.  We never actually saw each other, but we talked on the phone everyday.  When I met him a year later, he wasn’t what I expected to see, but his cousin Chris was with him, and he was kind of cute.  I was definitely interested in him, but I didn’t want Anthony to know.  When I called Anthony one day, Chris answered the phone, and he was macking to me. Anthony was listening the whole time, and I gave Chris some play he got pissed off and cussed me out.  We didn’t talk for a few weeks but soon things were back to normal.

In the meantime, my relationship with Pricilla was becoming difficult because now I was affiliated with Flow, a 5x2 Hover Crip, and Pricilla was still playing him and the guy from Sur 13. Flow was my homeboy so; I tried my best to stay out of that mix.

I met Flow’s friend Ace a 107 Crip that lived in Southside.  We were just friends, but I was interested in his brother Tyrone who was the Original Gangster of Flow’s set.   An O.G. is the person who originated a particular set of a larger gang.  Because I was still wearing Dickies and long t-shirts and not dressing like a hoe, Tyrone wasn’t interested in me sexually.   However, after hanging around with the Crips for a few months, they decided I might be good to keep around because I had a smart mouth, I was from Los Angeles, and I had knowledge of the gang life.

Before they let me officially represent their set, I had to prove to them that I was tough enough to hold my own in a fight.  To this end, the gang members beat and stabbed me daily, hoping to toughen me up and prepare me for what was to come if I was going to be a Crip.  I wanted so much to be a part of something, especially something that would protect me, that I let this happen and learned how to fight back. Being a part of the Crips helped me gain and maintain respect at school by teachers and students, so nobody messed with me.  Some tried, but because I had access to cars, weapons, and protection from my gang family, they regretted ever crossing my path.

About this time, I met Talisha, a girl who lived in my neighborhood and enjoyed the gang mentality, but didn’t want to be part of a gang.  She had sex with gang members from any gang.  She introduced me to Dwight her boyfriend’s friend. Talisha and I were cool and my homeboys liked her for her sexual services, but she frequently went to Oak Cliff in Dallas for weekends with her mother.  I went every now and then and just walked around meeting other guys and exchanging numbers.  Sometimes I wouldn’t come home until late, and Delight was waiting for me with trouble for not being home by curfew. 

One time the car we drove to Dallas broke down and Flow had to go with Delight to show her where to pick me up.  She was furious and her trust in me was gone. I hung very closely with my gang friends, and we got into stuff everyday.  I’d come home from school and walk to Flow’s house, and then one of his homeboys who had a car came to scoop us up. The one positive thing I did with Flow was occasionally attend church with him and his mother.  One night at church I was talking on the payphone, and one of the guys there was a wannabe gang member, and he was staring at me, so I cussed him out. Flow let him know I was crazy and not to be messed with. 

After living in Texas for three months, I found out I wasn’t going back to California, but I’d be staying in Texas forever.  My family lied to me and my mom hadn’t called me since I’d been there. I felt betrayed and unloved. They just sent me off and forgot about me.  I was so angry, and when my anger caused me to act up, Delight threatened to send me back to California.  Little did she know I wanted to go back.  The humidity and the roaches in Texas were never in the scheme of my environment in California, and the hillbilly slang – man, I ju