GETTING THROUGH THE TOUGH STUFF

The qualities that brought you and your lover together are NOT the ones that will keep you together! Qualities like being attracted to each other’s looks, having good times together, liking each other’s personalities, having interests you have in common (films, music, art), liking each other’s family and friends, even good sex - are important in the early stages of a relationship, but are NOT what will keep you loving each other and staying together in the long run.

What WILL keep you together and in love is being able to deal effectively with, and get through, difficult situations when they arise in your relationship - simply put, what can really make your relationship work and keep the love alive - is being able to GET THROUGH THE TOUGH STUFF - to communicate about and clear up the misunderstandings and emotional blockages when they surface, and then, keep your love flowing!

Almost any couple, after breaking up, will tell you that the cause of their fading love had to do with poor communication and their inability to resolve difficult issues. When couples break up, you don’t hear them saying, “This relationship stinks, but I’m gonna stay in it because he is so handsome or she is so pretty” or “I’ll stay because we both love the same kind of music.” They split up mainly because of differences or problems that led them into highly charged arguments or silent withdrawal - and - they did not have effective communication skills for resolving them.

The communication ideas in this book are designed for lovers to use especially on those occasions when difficult or important issues arise in their relationship. It is not a book about “everyday” communicating, or improving group communication, or how to be a better presenter.

This book teaches three major groups of ideas and skills on how to communicate with your lover when you have important or difficult subjects (TOUGH STUFF) to discuss.

1. THE GROUND RULES for High-Level Communication. Most lovers have no ground rules for having serious discussions with each other. When it comes to discussing tough stuff, differing viewpoints and disagreements often quickly escalate into angry exchanges, blame, accusation and screaming matches, or lovers end up silently withdrawing from each other. Without understanding the ground rules, all the rest of the ideas in this book may look sensible, but they will not really work.

Ground rules are the foundation for using Reflective Communication Techniques and the Reflective Agreement Process. You can compare it to the foundation of a home - the kitchen and bathroom and bedrooms may be beautiful, but without a foundation, the home will sink. You could also compare it to almost any sport. You can hold your racquet correctly and be able to hit the ball well, but without clearly defined court boundaries and ground rules, it‘s just slamming the ball, not tennis! We recommend ground rules for you and your lover to agree upon that will establish a strong communication foundation in your relationship.

2. REFLECTIVE COMMUNICATION TECHNIQUES These are techniques you will use when you speak to and listen to each other. We will often use the terms “send” for speak, and “receive” for listen. Taken together, the Sender and Receiver techniques are called “Reflective Communication”. It is definitely NOT ONLY about listening. The techniques will enable you to work together and communicate collaboratively as a “team”, unlike other approaches that suggest you should simply “be a better listener” or “fight fairly”, which suggests using techniques based on competing. The team aspects of RAP will be highlighted throughout the book.

In addition to the Sender and Receiver Techniques, Reflective Communication also includes Full Content Messages. These are six different kinds of Full Content Messages you can use to fully express yourself when discussing important and difficult issues.

The Sender and Receiver Responsibilities are the “How” of Reflective Communication and the Full Content Messages are the “What”.

3. THE REFLECTIVE AGREEMENT PROCESS (RAP) A four-step process or agenda you will follow when discussing issues with your lover: Invoke, Clear, Agree, Honor. The Reflective Communication Techniques are used mainly during the Clear Step of the RAP process. Using the process both clears the air for lovers, and then enables them to move on and create mutual agreements about their tough issues. After using the RAP process, most couples say they feel more loving with each other, having removed blockages from their relationship. During the Invoke and Honor Steps, the RAP Process starts and finishes with both lovers honoring and appreciating each other.

In addition to these three major areas of the book, there are two other subjects that will be covered: RAP Logistics and “Yeah, Buts”. Both of these subjects will cover some of the fine points and questions you may have about the process

4. RAP LOGISTICS

When is the best time to have a RAP Session with your lover? Should you have a RAP Session in the heat of an argument? How should you set up an appointment with your lover to have a RAP Session? Where is the best place to hold your RAP Sessions? What materials should you bring to the session?

5. YEAH, BUTS

At our workshops, participants ask questions about the concepts and skills related to Reflective Communication and the Reflective Agreement Process. After learning certain ideas, their comments often sound like, “Yeah, but don’t you think that…” or, “Yeah, but the leader of the communication workshop I went to last month said…”

Their comments are very valuable and have helped us to refine a number of points covered in the workshops, and have helped us to answer questions like, ”Yeah, but doesn’t using Reflective Communication take a lot longer than the way people normally communicate - doesn’t that make it less efficient?”

As a result, after most of the modules in the workshop we include a segment that we call “YEAH, BUTS”, where participants have the opportunity to bring up questions, objections, etc. Likewise, in the book, there is also a “Yeah, But” segment in most sections, where we share some of the”Yeah, Buts” that have been brought up about the subject covered in each section.

We expect that you may come up with some new “Yeah, Buts”, and we welcome your questions and comments. You can communicate with us via mail, email or telephone, by using the addresses at the end of this book.