Feelings and Logic a mother's journal

It was time for a school physical!  Aimee was about 3 ½ years old and it was time to begin pre-school.  The Developmental Training Center did their referrals to the local preschools by this time so children could begin at about age four.  Time to fill out enrollment papers!  Upon going to the doctor for the check up, a hearing test was needed.  A separate appointment needed to be made for this with the ENT doctor in the clinic.  The day of the appointment soon arrived.  It was early enough in the morning that Dianna was confident she could attend her Aunts funeral that afternoon.  Since John was at work, off she went with the children.  After approximately 3 minutes of testing, the “doctor”, which would be better labeled as “cold hearted monster” made the remark to Dianna, “Well, lets go on to the other ear, that ones dead.”  Dianna looked at him in astonishment.  “What?  It’s what?” she inquired.  He then went on to state “Well, certainly you knew that she was deaf in that ear, you must have know that, you’re her parent right?”  Dianna’s emotions ran wild.  Tears were welling up in her eyes.  Justin was unsure what was going on.  Being five years old, he seemed so attune to Mom--and that something was wrong.  Dianna didn’t want to break down in front of the children.  She felt weak all over.  The tears started to stream down her saddened face.  She couldn’t help it.  She couldn’t hold them in.  Anger, grief, loneliness, denial, fear--emotions were rampant.  She didn’t want to hear it again, the words just kept running over and over in her head.  “Well, certainly you knew that she was deaf!!” exclaimed the doctor.   NO!  Certainly she didn’t know Aimee was deaf.  How could I have failed??  Failed?  Dianna knew there was something wrong--all the time she knew.  Whey didn’t she figure this out.  What was the problem with her?  She wasn’t a good parent.  She had failed.  She should have known this.  Dianna left the office in more grief than she had ever experienced. 

She couldn’t upset John at work.  They needed the money so desperately.  What good would it do upsetting him now?  Wait until after work.  She drove directly to her parents who had guests staying with them and helping with funeral arrangements. 

She broke down again as she tried to say the words. 

 “You must keep your chin up”.  Herb said.  “It will be alright.  Just wait and see.  There are so many medical breakthroughs now days.  Hold up until we know more.”  Herb felt very confident that after further tests were done, everything was going to be all right.  Dianna listened to Herb; however, she didn’t have the same confidence.  She felt like all of her breath had been knocked out of her and she was just trying to get it back.  She took a few deep breaths as Herb held her and reassured her.  She knew he was right, she just needed to feel he was right.  There truly was a difference.  This was certainly one of the first lessons Dianna was going to learn. 

She heard the words and knew she needed to think positive, however, she didn’t feel things were all right.  She felt so sad.  So worn out, so very drained.  Now, she must somehow pull herself together for the funeral.