THE MOTHER-IN-LAW DAUGHTER-IN-LAW CONFLICT

Introduction

There is excitement in the air.  A young couple is in love.  The wedding is exquisite.  Two large families meet and have the celebration.  The festivities go on and on.  The future holds so much promise.  The newlyweds set up their first home.  The community welcomes their arrival.  The relatives look for every opportunity to get together and bask in the newness of it all.  There are parties.  There are gifts.  The holidays take on an extra special meaning, with the fledgling couple being the guests of honor, the focus of all the attention.  Soon, if they are blessed, babies arrive on the scene, again a reason to cheer.  More parties.  More prayers of appreciation.  The present and the future are alive.  More additions to the combined happy families.

Somewhere, in the midst of all the pleasantries, oddly enough, there is a cloud present.  In many families, like a common thread appearing again and again, there is a problem between two individuals.  Sometimes the problem appears out in the open.  Sometimes it lurks beneath, like the positive and negative poles on a magnet. Like oil and water, there are two family members who do not easily mix.  They are the new bride and her mother-in-law.  Their frequent antagonism is a well known but infrequently spoken about syndrome.  Their clash with one another is classic.  It is built-in.  It is complicated.  It is very real, and must be dealt with.

Put two young mothers together on a park bench watching their toddlers play.  They will chat and share their goings on.  In no time, they will get to the topic of their mothers-in-law.   There will follow a rapid flow of grievances that they experience with these older women.  They will laugh and cry sharing their misery.  They will be amazed at how similar their feelings are.  They will share horror stories that almost mirror one another.  They will wonder why they never knew about this spoiler of a relationship beforehand.  Why were they not forewarned?  Oh sure, the comics they heard always included the usual mother-in-law jokes.  However, these jokes always originated from the son-in-law’s perception. (Like the definition of a mixed feeling:  Your mother-in-law going over a cliff driving your brand new car!)  Never was heard a sneer from a daughter-in-law.

Similarly, just put two middle-aged women with married sons together and they will rapidly find a camaraderie they might never have had before.  They cannot believe how disappointed they are with their new daughters-in-law.  How could this have happened?  They raised their sons with  the best of their ability.  How could their sons have selected so poorly?   The women share.  They counsel each other.  They laugh.  They cry.  They are in pain.

In an otherwise happy world, the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law have an awful attitude toward one another.  They are truly surprised.  They had no preparation.  Their reactions to one another are strong, and they find this having a terrible negative effect on their broad outlook about their joint family.  They may be ashamed about their feelings, but the feelings will not go away.  They find themselves in a real inner war, and there seems to be no easy solution in sight.

Yes, the mother-in-law – daughter-in-law conflict is real. It is common.  It is very complicated.  With every two different individuals with different makeup come very different ramifications. How deep the wounds and subsequent scars are experienced varies greatly.  This book attempts to analyze the many aspects of this conflict.  The chapters review many of the variables – history, parents, baggage, siblings and other surrounding influences.

The intention of the author is to present the multiple issues in a logical, objective and analytic fashion.  The analysis intends to lay out all the factors from the vantage point of both combatants, and allows the reader to make his or her own evaluation and judgment.

However, somewhere in the investigative process, certain truisms appeared.  The book seemed to stray from an original neutral stance into a certain direction.  The author found the facts pulling from the starting, non-judgmental state, and leading to definite conclusions.  In addition, the gloom about the entire subject began to lift, and justifiably so.  This is indeed wonderful for everyone concerned.