Life Observed
What Mom Didn't Want Me to Say
by
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I recently discovered that I am not a patient man when it comes to teaching. My dad wants to get in on this internet thing before it passes him by. Guess who has to teach him? I hate it when my dad uses the computer. Have you heard of evolution? Well my dad coined the term “devolution.” As he uses the computer he becomes a caveman, then a monkey, then a fish, and finally a one-celled organism. Then I hear a faint cry of “Marck, help!” At least he’s a talking one-celled organism.
The one thing my dad seems to have mastered is Tetris. “Dad, you can use computers for many things,” I tell him.
“Like what?” he replies.
“Well, you can send emails, pictures, pay your bills, make copies, type stuff, shop, and many more things.”
“Wow, son, that sounds great. Do you have Tetris on it?”
“Why, yes I do, but--”
“Excellent.” he replies.
“But Dad, that wasn’t my point--”
“Hey! I gave you life! Now teach me how to play Tetris.” He yells. Teaching my dad how to play Tetris was a big mistake. He plays for four hours at a time without a break.
Ok. So I taught him to play Tetris. I moved on to other things as well. “You see dad, this is a mouse.” I tell him.
“Eek! A mouse! Where?” He screams. “Stupid maintenance. I pay good money for this apartment.”
“Dad, not a cheese eating mouse. A computer mouse.” I say.
“Oh. Ahem. I knew that. So where were we?” he says.
“Ok. You move the pointer with the mouse.” I explain.
“Son, I don’t see a blinking cursor. Where do I type?” he asks.
“Dad, this is Windows! It’s not DOS. It’s all point and click now.” I reply with my patience hanging on a string.
“Ok. I clicked. Nothing’s happening. It’s broken.” he declares.
“Dad it’s not broken. You have to wait for the program to load!” I reply. The one thing that’s broken at this point is my patience string.
“The mouse is too complicated.” my dad says. “Let’s get on the internet.”
“But dad, you haven’t even mastered two fingered typing yet.” I say.
“Damn it boy! If it wasn’t for me and your mom you’d be just another tadpole.” he angrily replies.
“Sigh. Ok dad. You have to dial in to access the internet. No dad. Put the phone down. That’s right. Down.” I say. “Ok. Where do you want to go?”
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About the Book
Have you ever left your car keys in the car? Have you ever gone to the mall during the holiday season? Have you ever been frisked at a club like you and the bouncer are on a date?
Those things happen to us, they happen to you, and they happen to everybody. But while most people whine, curse, and hurt themselves by punching inanimate objects, we chose to do something about these everyday woes. We sat down, harnessed our fury, and-- wrote them down.
We present you with the ultimate Life Observed collection. A fine selection of humor columns that are filled with the real feelings, rants, and thoughts of the youth of today. If the former offends you, then by all means make a big deal about it so that we can maximize all the free publicity that we can get.
About the Author
Manny currently attends Northern Virginia Community College to dig himself out of the academic hole he dug in high school. “Who knew grades were so important?” Manny asks. He plans to transfer to George Mason University “some year” to get a degree in Communication.
Marck started writing after he figured out that he had to “put all of my anger with a funny twist on paper before I killed somebody.” He is pursuing a degree in communication so he doesn’t have to be a food service technician anymore. “Waiting on tables is a bitch,” he says.
John writes about his frustration with women and has since branched off into areas that he describes as, “Stuff I don’t understand.”