Gay Husbands/Straight Wives

In 2000, I published the book, “Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder.” It was a self-help book for women who wanted to understand about the dynamics of gay men who marry straight women without revealing their homosexuality. I found myself in this position in the early 1980’s, and after the end of my marriage, I started a national support movement to help women understand how these marriages come about.

I know that after I discovered my own husband’s homosexuality, I felt isolated, frightened and embarrassed thinking that I was the only woman who was ever in this situation. Twenty years ago, straight/gay marriages were virtually closeted and there was very limited information about them. Also, the Internet had yet to be developed as a vehicle of mass communication as it is today. I learned through years of personal research that there are millions of women struggling through this disaster. It was my intent to enlighten them about my own experiences in hopes that they could realize they were not alone or responsible for causing or creating homosexuality in their husbands.

I began doing television, radio, and newspaper interviews throughout the 1980’s as my own philosophies and understanding about straight/gay marriages developed and changed. I was trying to bring national awareness to this issue in order to reach those women who felt that there was no hope for future happiness in their lives because they were stuck in a disastrous marriage. Four years later, after working with over 5,000 women, I went into a semi-retirement. My own children were growing up, and I wanted to spare them further hurt from a world that was extremely homophobic with the panic from AIDS. I also needed a break in the action so I could move on with my own personal life. Listening to the disheartening stories of women day in and day out seemed to give me a jaded view on relationships in general, leaving me feeling paralyzed to move ahead in my own personal life. I continued to do some limited private counseling, but I made a conscientious effort to focus on additional areas of my career.

When my children grew into adulthood, I decided to return to my writing and counseling knowing that there were still millions of women living the same life of despair as those 20 years earlier. Even though our country became less obsessed with the homophobic hysteria of the 1980’s, the lack of acceptance for homosexuals was still a reality. Gays were still discriminated against and taunted which is really why they feel compelled to marry straight women, in hopes that “straight” will be acquired through sexual transmission. There was still limited information available for a large group of people who were being affected by these marriages. A handful of books were available for resources, but so much more needed to be said.

I wanted to write a book that was clear and easy to understand. I wanted to give direct answers to complex questions. I wanted to show how these marriages came about, and more importantly, I wanted to show why they needed to end as quickly as possible.

Since launching my website in 1998 and publishing the book in 2000, I have received thousands of letters from women and men who are trying to make sense of their complicated lives. Those who read my previous book “Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder” feel that for the first time, they can understand why their marriages have been so debilitating and what steps they need to take for their futures. It’s been so rewarding for me to be able to help women take their first steps in understanding that the problems in their marriages are not their issues, but rather, homosexuality. And from the hundreds of gay men who have asked me for help, I have been able to give them the guidance and support to be honest with their wives, no matter what the consequences may be.

Although I have worked with thousands of women since 1984 when I started my counseling and support group, the last few years since my website and book emerged brought me thousands of new stories from women around the world who are suffering through these marriages or the aftermath.  Their stories have compelled me to write this follow-up because so many additional issues needed to be addressed. Some of these concerns were touched on in “Is He Straight? A Checklist for Women Who Wonder,” but they require a much more comprehensive discussion. This book will cover the most important issues in a comprehendible manner that will guide women through the process of understanding, accepting, and moving forward in their lives.