The Wickedly Wild Return of Dr. Insanity and The Sparrow
by
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"Name?" "Sparrow!" the man in the brown tights on the other side of the desk answered in a loud, baritone voice. The Corrections and Relocations officer frowned and sighed in frustration. "Real name?" he asked. "The Sparrow!" The Sparrow corrected. "Do you have to use that voice?" "What voice?" "That voice, that loud, dramatic..." He shook his head and flipped through the file lying on the desk in front of him. "Never mind. It says here your name is . . . William Holden. You used to be called 'Willy' so you wouldn't get confused with the actor." The Sparrow's face darkened slightly. "Hey, where'd you get..." he began quietly before resuming his heroic baritone. "I am The Sparrow! I fight crime and protect the city!" "Unh-hunh, yeah, well, not any more you don't, pal," the C+R officer replied, still leafing disinterestedly through the file. "As of three weeks ago, you Spandex-wearing freaks are out of business." "You cannot stop the business of Justice!" The Sparrow declared. "Yeah, as a matter of fact, I can," the officer said. "Especially if you define Justice as a bunch of ray-beam shooting morons blasting apart the city and calling it Crime Fighting." "I don't shoot ray-beams," The Sparrow corrected in a confidential tone. "Well, that's what we're here to talk about." The official drew out a blank form and selected an appropriate pen from the cup on his desk. "What can you do?" "You mean . . . " "Yeah, what 'super' powers do you have?" the official said, pen hovering over the form. "I can fly!" The Sparrow announced.
"Pssh," the official shrugged. "Eighty-seven percent of you jokers can fly. What else?" "Um," Sparrow thought, quite distraught over the official's distinct lack of awe in his flying ability. "Super strength?" "What class?" the official asked, beginning to scribble on the form. "Hunh?" "What class?" he asked again, impatiently. "What classification?" The Sparrow gaped at him. The official groaned and started ticking off his fingers. "Are you Class I super-strength, like The Flex, or just Class V super-strength like, say, Weasel Woman?" Sparrow frowned in thought. He was pretty sure he was stronger than Weasel Woman, but he'd never actually met her . . . "In between those, I guess," he finally answered. "I'll put Class III for now, but you'll have to be tested later," the official said. "What else?" "Um," the Sparrow stammered, thinking. This was hard. He'd never had a job interview before. "I am a master of Praying Mantis Kung-fu," he added with a confident nod. The official frowned. "Praying Mantis? I thought you were a sparrow." "The Sparrow." "Whatever." "Well, you know," The Sparrow shrugged, shifting around in his chair, "You can stretch a metaphor only so far."
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About the Book
Join Sparrow and his friends on their hilarious adventures in The Wickedly Wild Return of Doctor Insanity and The Sparrow, a clever parody of superheroes and archvillains. This lighthearted story pokes fun at everything from the heroes and villains themselves to motivational speakers, radio psychologist, and the American Medical Association. The world’s superheroes have captured the world’s archvillains, and to keep the peace, the government has brainwashed all the villains and superheroes into working at everyday jobs. Until, one day, an accident at his coffee shop job dislodges the control chip in Doctor Insanity’s head, and in an instant, he’s back on the street and looking to make trouble for humanity. Enter the Sparrow, the only superhero to avoid brainwashing, thanks to the fact that nobody’s ever heard of him. As soon as he gets word of Doctor Insanity’s relapse, he leaps at the chance to prove his worth and earn his place in 10 Justice Plaza, the headquarters of hero-dom. Add in memorable characters like Procrastination Man, Salsa King, and many, many others and you get the most fun you can have with printed material.
About the Author
Christopher Andrews is the secret super-pseudonym for Andrew C. Piazza, a rather nefarious character wanted by the Department of Cleansing and Relocations for a number of offenses, including, but not limited to: the development of the Forgetting Ray (of which there is only one, since he accidentally shot himself with it after building the prototype), the theft of several dozen parking meters, which he can’t remember how to open to get the money (see Offense #1), and willful and malicious overuse of movie quotes in order to appear clever in front of girls (which doesn’t work and only made him look like a dork anyway). He blames his evil ways on the emotional scarring caused by two and a half years of incarceration (call "employment" by his captors) at an Atlanta coffee shop. He resides at an undisclosed secret base, plotting to conquer the world, or at least a really challenging computer game.