Charley's Conundrum
by
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(Three old guys get to wondering how women ride bicycles, that is, how the seat fits them? They decide to investigate and get a close-to-over-the-hill hooker who gets to laughing at such a crazy idea and agrees to help them. The three senior science investigators are in a motel room with Alice the hooker, who has a heart of gold of course.) Mustering up their resolve, the three old men looked up at Alice, still red in the face but determined to see their mission through to its bitter end, which Alice could see on their red but determined faces so she asked, "Well, what can I do for ya?" Charley took over again, which was OK with Dick and George, who were really only along for the ride, and it was sure gettin' to be a ride to remember, and Dick and George, for the first time, wondered what Alice would be like it bed?, which kinda surprised them and excited them, which made them smile inwardly with the pleasure of the thought and the wondering if Alice would go to bed with them, a thought that was beginning to take precedence over there mission to find out how a woman sat on a bicycle seat???!!! Alice didn't see the growing lust in Dick's and George's eyes, yet, because she was looking at Charley, who hadn't, yet, thought one thought about sex with Alice, yet, as he groped for the works to tell her what he wanted her to do to help solve the mystery of how a woman sat on a bicycle seat?! Charley said, "Well, we'd kinda like you to show us, how ya do it if ya don't mind showin' us?" Alice laughed her pleasant belly laugh at the thought of her showing three old men how she sat on a bicycle seat, then, intrigued by the thought, it came to her that she didn't know how a woman sat on a bicycle seat either, which made her laugh her belly laugh again, which made Charley wonder if she was laughing at him, which he couldn't blame her for, well, not very much anyway! Still laughing softly, Alice couldn't help but ask, "You got a bicycle seat with ya, Charley?" then she laughed her belly laugh again which made Charley and his two pals laugh too, they just couldn't help it, Alice had a nice big rich laugh and it was kinda catching, makin' ya want to laugh with her, so they did and they all had a nice laugh together which kinda cemented things between them, as the saying goes, that is, Alice seemed to be on there side now, and willing to help them. Charley, grinning widely, said, in answer to Alice's question if he had a bicycle seat, "Nope, but I can get one damn quick, Alice, if you're willin' to show us how ya do it?" "Well," Alice said, with a smile, enjoying her visit with the three nice old crazies, and wanting, now, to find out how she sat on a bicycle seat too, "Well, I just might do that, but it'll cost ya, I don't work for nothin'!" Charley was quick to tell her, "That's OK, Alice, we don't mind payin' ya. When can we do it?" "Weeelll," Alice said, dragging the word out, as she thought over her commitments for that day, "Weeeelll, how about a couple a hours from now?" She didn't have any more customers for the day, and didn't expect any in the daytime, prostitution was night-work, most of the time. Charley almost crowed as he exclaimed, "Hey, that'd be great, Alice, that'll give us time to go an' buy a bicycle seat. Wow! This is great!" Dick and George were quick to add their happy agreement to Charley's then the three old men hurried away, bubbling over with excitement and enthusiasm, they just couldn't wait to see how that bicycle seat fit up between Alice's legs???!!! Then they began to wonder, out loud, of course, if Alice would keep her panties on or take them off when she put the bicycle seat up between her legs to see how it was done, a delightful, lusty, sexy, speculation that took up their entire attention as they walked hurriedly back to town and to a big bicycle shop on Main Street, where they bought one of those narrow, hard, racing bicycle seats, some people don't mind jammed up their asses as they ride along so merrily!!! With their precious bicycle seat, which cost 45 bucks, in a nice box under Charley's arm, which they had had to pool the money they had together to meet the price, which they thought was highway robbery, and kinda disappointed, because the seat they wanted, a shiny black beauty, cost a hundred bucks, which the three old men refused to meet, all of them agreeing that while their mission to find out how a woman sat on a bicycle seat was very serious business, it wasn't that damn serious for Chris' sakes, God, what was happenin' to the damn world? Prices were absolutely outta damn sight!!! Even the 45 bucks had kinda taken their breaths away, but they had manfully pooled the money they had on them and paid it, clenching their teeth, hard, to keep from telling the clerk, a nice looking young men, to take that seat an' jam it, but they didn't, they wanted to see that seat up between the lovely legs of Alice in the worst way, right up tight against her 'glory hole', which is what the three old men called a woman's vagina, and they were willing to pay 45 bucks so they could do that, plus the 50 they paid to the clerk! They went and got Charley's car so they wouldn't have to walk back to the motel, then it occurred to them that they didn't have any more money to pay Alice with, a cost they didn't know the cost of, yet, so they went too a bank and Charley got two hundred bucks out of a ATM machine, which he didn't say anything about to Dick and George about chipping in and sharing the cost, because he was now resolved to go to the bitter end and damn the cost to find out how a woman sat on a bicycle seat, a mission that had already given them some dandy experiences and there were a lot more to come, it was easy to see that, now that they had Alice on their side.
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About the Book
Charles Channing, retired and 70, was the cause of it all because he asked an innocent question. Innocent to him and his two pals, anyway, George Bradford, retired and 71, and Dick Kendrick, retired and 69, but not so innocent to others -- a fact they found out when they tried to find an answer to Charley's question. Charley asked, rhetorically, at the time, and completely innocently with nothing in his mind but idle wonder: "How do women ride bicycles?" George and Dick looked at him in surprise for a moment then they both grinned as George said, "They push on the pedals, Charley!" Dick, grinning widely, said, "They sit on the seat and pedal, Charley!" George and Dick both laughed softly, and that would have been the end of it, but Charley said, "No no, not that, I know that, what I mean is, how do they sit on the seat? He went on: "What I mean is, it just seems t'me that those dumb bicycle seats would hurt 'em. Those dumb bicycle seats hurt me when I sit on 'em. George said, "Well, you got that right, Charley, those dumb bicycle seats are too damn narrow 'n' hard for me too, they hit me right square in the ass an' they hurt, dammit, jammed up between your legs like that! I don't see how those bicycle riders stand 'em." Dick said, "Yeah, that's right, they shore hurt me when I tried 'em, it felt like that seat would cut me in two. You know what, Charley? I don't know how women sit on those dumb bicycle seats either. I never thought of it before. Man, you'd think it'd cut 'em in two", . . . which is how the scientific investigation into the mysteries of how women sit on bicycles started. The three ol' guys go on and meet an almost over-the-hill hooker who agrees to help them with their scientific investigation into the mysteries of how women sit on bicycles seat. Two more almost-over-the-hill hookers join the scientific investigation into the mysteries of how women sit on bicycles seats and then the expected happens, the three ol' guys and the three almost over-the-hill hookers take notice of each other and the fun begins. Charley's Conundrum is all about how to find out how women sit on bicycle seats, and it is also a great love story. After all, love, like gold, is where ya find it.
About the Author
Robert James Warner was born and raised in Long Beach, California. He went to the local schools. He was drafted in to the Navy on March 9, 1944, during the World War II as soon as he finished his last semester in High School. He was discharged from the Navy on June 16, 1946. Mr. Warner went back to school at Long Beach City College, on the G.I. Bill, taking Mechanical Engineering before he switched to journalism. After about a year and a half at City College, he quit. Mr. Warner had always been interested in writing, but he had huge handicaps to overcome: he couldn't spell (he still can't); and grammar was then and is now a mystery to him. Mr. Warner first began to write when he was about twenty. During the next few years, he wrote some songs, poetry, and short stories, but his output was quite low. From 1947, after Mr. Warner left City College, to 1950, he had a number of different inconsequential jobs--the longest, at Douglas Aircraft in Long Beach where he worked in the blueprint department for eight months until he quit and loafed awhile. In 1950, he enlisted in the Active Naval Reserve as a Weekend Warrior, so that he could learn seamanship and get paid doing it. He has had a life long love affair with boats (building his own) and fishing. About three months later, the Korean War started and Mr. Warner was called back to active duty in the Navy Aircorp for a year. He was discharged in August 1951, serving on three aircraft carriers, operating off of Korea in the China Sea, bombing and strafing the communists! After Korea, Mr. Warner went back to City College for awhile, then got a job on a freighter as a deckhand. He then made two trips to the Hawaiian Islands, about thirty days round trip, hauling bulk sugar for C&H Sugar in Crocket California on the Sacramento River. Leaving the ship in Crocket, he went to Santa Rosa, California, where he washed dishes in a few restaurants and got a poem published in the local newspaper--a big day in his life. Next, he went to Yosemite and washed some more dishes before going home. Mr. Warner has cleaned chicken dung from under the pens; he owned and operated his own auto wrecking yard; owned his own 2nd Store; was half owner of a Yacht Landing; speculated in Real Estate; and worked at some other odd jobs, going to work for the Long Beach Fire Department in 1953 for the next twenty-six years, retiring in October, 1979. Mr. Warner got married in 1961, had his son in 1963, and got divorced in 1973. In 1974, Mr. Warner and his son, Jeff, drove to Alaska during the summer. On his return, Mr. Warner wrote his first novel. Since 1974, Mr. Warner has written 15 novels, about 125 short stories, 2 Civil War history books, and 2 poetry collections.