The Grave Affair

'Bertha, you know, you're pretty deep sometimes. Where did you get your education?'

'Rex.'

'Rex?' Emily wasn't certain she had heard correctly.

'Yeah...good name, don't you think?'

'A grandfather?'

'Rex was a dog.'

'Dammit, Bertha, I was serious.' For just a moment, Emily was actually offended. Then she saw her pal's face deepen.

'I'm sorry, hon, but I'm serious too. I can't tell you how serious.'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean Rex was everything to me. He was one of those german dogs...a shepherd.'

'And he taught you?' Emily now didn't doubt Bertha, she was just confused.

'Well, in a manner of speaking.' Bertha smiled and paused. As she looked intently at her Emily was struck by the humor of what she was seeing. 'See, hon, I taught myself because that's the way learning is...but he was my teacher.'

'That's poetic. Tell me more.' Emily understood the wisdom of animals and this interested her.

'Rex had no understanding of right and wrong and he didn't know about trickery or evil or ugliness. And lots of other things too. See, hon, what I thought was important never entered his mind. Ever realize that about animals?'

'Yes, a little. Back on the farm.'

'Well, anyway, I spent hours with Rex. You know...out in the woods, or by a stream, on the beach, even in my bedroom. After a while I got to talking with him. Really talking, you know. And right away I got the feeling he was doing more than listening. I got to thinking crazy. At least for a while I thought I was crazy.' She put the glass to her mouth and took a long swallow. 'See...there was something about Rex. His life didn't change at all no matter what I talked about. Then, one day, it hit me. Rex accepted me...no matter what the hell I was mewling about. At that point I had to ask myself what it was he knew that I didn't know. What gave him his stability?'

'Did he tell you?' Emily said it lovingly.

'Yes. Silently. I came to realize Rex wasn't using any of the truths I was using. Finally, that made me realize that maybe what I thought was truth wasn't truth.'

Bertha's filled up her glass with whisky. Emily could see she was quite absorbed.

'You'll maybe think this is a joke, hon?'

Emily was speechless because the last thing in the world it sounded like was a joke.

'Well, now I'm a social misfit when this all happens. See, Rex came into my life when I'm maybe eight, and he died when I was twenty two or so. So he's with me when I'm at my worst time. And, you know, hon, Rex even accepted me when I got the curse. In fact, I have to think he looked forward to it from the way he checked me out with his nose.' Bertha chuckled and took a long swallow.

'Anyway, Rex had a very confused owner. Very, very confused. Even my tits, which were the best in school probably, didn't help. Hell, I can understand. They were hung on a skeleton that couldn't do anything graceful or pretty.'

Emily had to laugh. Bertha was so graphic. She nodded.

'Rex didn't see any of that. He thought I was great. God, how I needed to be thought of as great at that time. I couldn't get out of my own way, I was so awkward.' She looked up. 'That happen to you, hon?'

'No. I grew sort of at a normal rate.' But Emily understood.

'Somewhere in there, Emily, I began to catch on. It took a while. It wasn't like, suddenly I had the answers. I had nothing to do but look inside myself, if you want to know the truth. There weren't any boys, or girls, for that matter, to experiment with and I could only fondle myself so much.'

'No parties...no school stuff...?' Emily thought of her own adolescence.

'Well, there was, I suppose, but since I felt like a freak of nature, and was treated like one, I guess I didn't get into that too much. Not like normal kids, anyway. In fact, I can remember almost the only party I went to then...it was a Friday. Someone's house. And the only thing I remember today is this ugly hulk, who it seems, was seven or eight feet tall, with hands like baseball gloves...well, he played with my tits. God, Emily...it's so clear now...a hot night, a halter top...you know, and either I or he slipped the straps down and there I am...two peninsulas in the moonlight...and he grabs me. God, he could have touched me with a shovel and it would have felt the same. I ended up knocking him down, if you can believe that. I loved what he was doing but I just belted him. Jesus.'

'Bertha, I'm sorry to be laughing...but the way you describe things...'

'Yeah...well anyway, that's it as far as my social upbringing is concerned. Except, of course, for Rex.'

'You know, I'm beginning to see, Bertha. But you've got to understand...there's none of that in you now.'

'Yeah. I understand. But back then I could only see myself as a freak. So I looked, naturally, at Rex. Hell, he didn't think I was a freak at all. He thought I was special...in relation to what I could see that Rex thought. He wasn't threatening. I could survive with him.'

'And you learned?'

'Well, I guess so. Sure. He stabilized me. I was still all clitoris, if you know what I mean. But Rex sort of taught me that was okay. As time went along I learned that it not only was okay but natural. I also, in there someplace, learned that I didn't know what was good and bad for everybody...only myself.'

Bertha took one of Emily's cigarettes.

'The same went for right and wrong. But a really powerful lesson came that day I came to understand Rex didn't even know what embarrassment was. Here I am all embarrassed about my skeleton body and basketball tits, and Rex is enjoying the warmth of the sun, or the soft grass, or my aroma, or a full stomach. When that hit I began to change. Like I say, I taught myself...but dammit, Emily, I had the greatest teacher in the world.'

It was obvious Bertha was through with her story, but Emily wanted more.

'What's the most important thing Rex taught you?'

'Oh, hell...I know the answer to that. Boy, do I know.'

'Well, dammit...' Emily was having great fun all of sudden, enjoying the realness of her pal.

'It was about being real and having real relationships. See, this is what I got from Rex. A person who wants to be invulnerable hides their feelings. Rex was nothing but feelings. Anyway, a person who hides feelings can't be intimate. Got that so far?' Bertha grinned.

'Yeah.'

'Now a person who can't be intimate can't participate in a relationship that is nutritional, warming, and beneficial. That's pretty simple, isn't it?'

'It's deep, is what it is. God, Bertha.'

'No it isn't. Rex taught me that part too. There's nothing deep about it. It's totally simple.'

Emily slid forward off her seat, onto her knees on the floor of the boat, and put her arms around Bertha.

'I've just got to hug you,' she murmured. Bertha's breasts pushed into her breasts, and because Bertha was actually nude, and Emily almost, the sensuousness of it startled Emily. 'I'm really enjoying your story about Rex.' She got back up onto her seat. 'Anything else he taught you?'

'He taught me about censorship, without having any idea whatsoever what censorship is.'

'Censorship...for God's sake, Bertha...what's that supposed to mean?'

'Hell, hon...you're living right smack in the midst of it and you ask a question like that.' Emily's question shocked Bertha.

'Why don't you just tell me, Bertha?'

'Censorship defeats itself, unless it's censorship of yourself. Got that?'

'Sorta.'

'Censorship is a form of control, okay?'