All Things in Their Season: A Revealing Look at Premarital Sex, for Teenagers and Their Parents

To whom is this book intended? As various people have read my manuscript to offer advise and suggestions, I have had several ask that question. Let me answer by saying that while I hope many could benefit from reading what I have struggled to put down on paper, my main focus have been the wonderful young people in our midst. It is to them that I write this book first and foremost. I want to give young people a broader and clearer understanding of what sexual behavior means. I hope to help them see the risks that come with premature sexual exploration and the incredible beauty attendant to sex when expressed in a secure marital relationship.

I also hope that parents will read what I have written to their young people so that they too, will come away with a clearer understanding of the challenges and pressures that teenagers and young adults face in this sex-saturated society. In fact I have written a chapter especially with parents in mind (although I hope the younger generation will read it as well.)

Finally, I would hope that educators, youth leaders, clergy, and politicians, to name a few, might find insights within these pages to help them better understand and improve the climate in which our youth are growing.

Recently, after my first book, Uncommon Common Sense: A Guide for Engaged and Married Couples1, had come off the press, my wife and I decided we needed to celebrate. We chose to spend a night at a bed and breakfast in Ephraim, Utah, called The Homestead which is actually a rebuilt pioneer cabin. As soon as you close the door, it takes you back a hundred years in time- a time which was much slower, less stressful and to be envied in some respects. As I sat down on the couch by the fireplace, I noticed a large book on a table in front of me. It was called 'The Imperial Highway: or The Road to Fortune and Happiness, With Biographies of Self-Made Men' and was written by Jerome Paine Bates and published in 1884. In keeping with the title, the book was a large work consisting of advice for having a successful family life, a goal the author saw as central to happiness.

As I thumbed through the pages I was again reminded that while many things have changed a great deal over the years, some things haven't changed and other things shouldn't change. I refer to family relationships and family values. We live, it seems, in a time when many question the old values and are trying to define new ones to better serve our desires and lifestyles. The old book spoke of behavior necessary to maintain a strong marriage. It emphasized good manners, especially as shown toward women. It stressed the importance of good communication skills and underscored the need for high moral principles.

Today, one has only to pick up the newspaper to find statements by national leaders, school authorities, and even religious leaders suggesting that we cannot expect young people to control their hormones and make high moral choices. We are constantly bombarded with the suggestion that the only way to prevent teenage pregnancy and the spread of sexually transmitted diseases is to openly provide young people with condoms and to teach contraceptive education. Oh, it is seldom called contraceptive education, but heaven forbid that we should allow sex education to teach morality-that would offend that small minority of people who simply do not want reminders of the need to control their own carnal desires. Any sex education that is stripped of values becomes no more than an invitation to sexual practices; thus contraceptive instruction must become the basis of instruction. As Nancy Gibbs pointed out in a Time magazine article:

'But as parents and educators watch the fallout from nearly a decade of lessons geared to disaster prevention-here is a diagram of female anatomy, this is how you put on a condom-there are signs that this bloodless approach to learning about sex doesn't work....whatever is being taught, responsible sexuality isn't being learned.' Young People Can Make Good Choices

I believe young people can make high moral choices. I am convinced that if they are given the facts needed to weigh the risks involved in premarital sex they will make choices that will meet their present and, more importantly, future needs. The truths found in that old book of years gone by are still valid and important in this modern age. There will never come a time when we will no longer need to exercise control over our physical drives.

'Sex takes the least amount of time, but causes the most amount of trouble.' Mark Twain, in his usual witty and straight forward way, was right on target. I want to lead you through a series of discussions that can better help you understand the real and uncompromising risks of sexual expression when done in any setting outside the bounds of marriage. And while I will argue for abstinence from a nonreligious viewpoint, I want to remind you that even as religion should not be the sole reason to abstain from sex, neither should rejection of religion be seen as an excuse to indulge in sex at any time you may want. Don't hide behind or from religious teachings; rather use reason and clear thinking to make wise choices and then let religion be a source of strength in sticking to those choices. I am a deeply religious person but I am convinced that even if you reject religion, there is plenty of evidence in the following pages to show without question that to choose sexual activity before marriage will always demand a price that later you will regret having had to pay. Unfortunately, there is no reversing sexual choices. You must make them correctly from the onset.

Throughout this book, my aim will be to provide you with as much helpful information as possible to help you abstain in a way that doesn't just look like the old 'scare them to death' approach. I don't want to scare you into chastity; rather I hope to reason with you so that you can then clearly see the need to choose to remain chaste and have the tools to protect yourself against peer pressure, cultural pressure, and diseases.

Sex, in its proper season, is one of the most beautiful expressions that two people can share. For it to truly reach its greatest potential, there are rules and guidelines to help each of us accept the great responsibilities that come with the single greatest power we possess: the ability to create a new life. Ultimately, that is what sex is all about.