Old Golfers Never Die

by David Smyth



Book Details

Language : English
Publication Date : 02/02/2000

Format : Softcover
Dimensions : 5x8
Page Count : 220
ISBN : 9781585006267

About the Book

Is there a golf nut in your family? If so, don't look any further for presents this year. This nutty novel is just the gift for him on his next birthday, if somebody doesn't brain him with a putter first.

In Old Golfers Never Die, Inc. two wacky golf promoters (Yitzhak 'Itchy' F. Suzuki and Gervais ffrench-ffoukes) and one television evangelist (the Reverend Eustace Muddlestone) undertake to develop golf into what it obviously was always meant to be -- a secular religion. The culmination of their dream is the creation of an awesome Global Inter-Faith Center of World Golf at Shoreham, Long Island, New York, on the premises of an abandoned nuclear power plant.

The star attraction is to be the embalmed body of Casey Flynn, the greatest golfer who ever lived. Flynn is struck dead by lightning just as he is about to win the U.S. Open -- his sixteenth major world title. Itchy and Gervais have a contract with the champ to exhibit his preserved body in a heroic golfing pose. But Okada, a billionaire Japanese golf club tycoon and super-boss of one thousand Japanese gangsters, has hatched a sinister plot to hijack Flynn, plus twelve other deceased American golf champions, and smuggle them out to Japan.

In a climactic final scene at New York's Kennedy Airport, Itchy, Gervais and Muddlestone confront Okada in a showdown for possession of America's departed golfing greats.

About the Author

David Smyth is a former Associated Press writer and editor who now writes fiction (fiction being more fun). In his thirty-three-year career at the international news agency his assignments included the Olympic Games, the Pan American Games, and other major sports events.

As for golf, he grew up in a house situated next to a golf course, and his earliest memories include the thud of errant golf balls bouncing off the roof like ricocheting bullets. And then, minutes later, the sight of intruding golfers poking about with their golf clubs in the flowerbeds and clambering up the drainpipes in search of their wayward missiles.

Is this novel his revenge on golfers? Freud might say so, but actually Old Golfers Never Die., Inc. is just a sober look at the achievements of two golf promoters and one television evangelist who set out to develop golf into what it obviously was always meant to be -- a secular religion. Baptism by total immersion in the water traps, clubhouse mausoleums for golfing greats, on-course burial privileges for club members, walkman Sunday services for pious players -- these are just some of the ideas they put into practice.

Any questions? About lost golf balls? Or anything else? Just e-mail David Smyth at Currell@aol.com