Finding Safety
by
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This chapter takes each boundary separately and examines
what it is,
what a violation looks like,
possible effects of violation,
what protection from violation looks like.
The way these boundaries are explained and categorized is fairly consistent with the writings of most authors and therapists in the recovery movement. There are, of course, some changes due to my own interpretation and understanding. The stories in each section use fictitious names, but are based on true experiences.
The only confusing part about separating these boundaries is that they so often are connected. When a violation of one boundary is happening, another boundary is also being affected. So, before you look at each boundary, be aware of how interrelated they are. The following page should help a bit. Go back to it often if you need to.
(From Page 35)
Vickie was in a support group for sexual abuse survivors that I facilitated every week. She was a small, frail girl of 15 with wispy brown hair. Her stepfather was in jail for molesting her. One day she told us things were tough at home because her mother was constantly telling her that the abuse was her fault; that she was a 'slut'. Her mother also was complaining that Vicki was 'prettier' than she was and that was why the stepfather 'chose you over me.'
The greatest sadness of this was that Vicki half-believed what her mother was saying to her. She loved her mother. How could she be wrong on this?
I was enraged that this sweet girl not only suffered sexual abuse, but was now being dealt such cruel emotional abuse as well. The other girls in the group were outraged also. We all expressed our anger at the vicious words and that her mother was very wrong. We firmly told Vicki that she was completely blameless, and none of it was her fault. Her mother may not understand that, but it was the truth.
I thought I could see a glimmer of acceptance of our words. I also knew our few minutes of support would not erase the damage. That would take a long time. But this was a beginning; something she could remember in hard times.
(From Page 34)
Sexual Boundary
Protection Against Violation
When not ready to report to authorities:
Never, never, ever blame yourself.
Avoid being alone with the abuser.
Lock your door.
Avoid showering when alone in the house with the abuser.
Make a lot of noise if approached. Say 'No!'.
Stay away as much as possible without bringing attention and possibly more abuse.
Ask a friend to call and check on you.
Call a hotline and discuss options; they will not need to know your name.
Promise yourself you will take action when you are ready.
Talk to someone you trust.
When ready to report to authorities:
Report abuse to a counselor, teacher, minister, or an agency. Make sure they will take action. If they won't, keep telling until you find someone who will. Action is getting you away from the abuser or making sure you are safe.
Call 911.
Not telling is worse. Keeping the secret damages you and protects the abuser. He or she may go on to abuse someone else
If one agency or counselor does not help, Don't give up!
Attempts to protect yourself may intensify the abusive behavior. Be prepared to follow through with protective action. Have a safe place to go when you need to.
You can not control what happens once you tell. Whatever the police or courts do with the abuser is not your fault.
See a therapist. (You may need professional help at some time in your life depending on the length and intensity of the abuse.)
Before healing can begin, the abuse must be stopped.
National Helplines:
Childhelp USA: 1-800-422-4453
Boys Town National Hotline: 1-800-448-3000
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About the Book
Teenage readers of Finding Safety responded:
'This book is powerful, meaningful and inspiring.'
'This book showed me what abuse really is and that you need to stand up for yourself if you're ever in one of these situations.'
'This book would help so many teens (like myself) cope with past and present abuse. As a survivor of abuse, I always knew that what had happened to me was abuse, but no one ever told me how to heal. This book showed me ways to start that process.'
Finding Safety is a much needed tool designed to teach teenagers how to recognize abuse and protect themselves from it. It is a simple, clear, and direct explanation of the five types of abuse: Sexual, Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual.
Using the concept of boundaries which comes from the recovery movement it describes: How we get abused, how that abuse effects us, and how to protect ourselves from abuse.
This is a book that counselors or educators who work with teenagers could easily use in whole or in part. Any chapter can stand on its own for reading or discussion. A teenager can see on one page, for instance, what physical abuse looks like, one page on how to protect herself from it, and one page describing long term effects. There are inspirational quotes and powerful true stories to support each topic. It is user friendly; a succinct explanation of a complicated subject.
About the Author
Carole has been an educator in many capacities for over twenty years. She has been a teacher of English, drama, and dance; served as lead teacher for at-risk students in an alternative high school; and has also been a trainer of teachers in classroom management, gender equity, and personal boundaries in the classroom.
Her background in education is one of distinction in advocating for the student and student rights. The awards she has won in defending the First Amendment include the Penn/Newman's Own First Amendment Award and the Playboy First Amendment Award. With a history of childhood abuse herself, this writer knows the depth of pain involved in facing and healing abuse.
She was also featured in the documentary film 'Healing From Childhood Sexual Abuse.' Carole is currently working as a resource teacher for a large public school district on projects involving at-risk students, language arts, drama, and dance.