Trumpula

THE NOTES OF DONALD J. TRUMPULA AS RECORDED ON OBAMA’S SECRET WIRETAPP SURVEILLANCE SYSTEM 9th January, 2017 – Hello, Barack. It’s me, The Donald, 45th President of the United States. As you know, I won the election with a massive landslide victory in the Electoral College. Yuge landslide, tremendous, greatest landslide in the history of landslides. I had election night, 306. So I’m sitting here in my precious Trumpula Tower, and I know you’re listening, surveilling me on your secret wiretapp, which you’ve hidden inside my electric toothbrush or blender or wherever you put it. Kellyanne thinks it’s in the microwave. I checked this morning when I was reheating my KFC, but I couldn’t find anything. You’re a bad, sick guy, Barack. I’ll find it, believe me. I get great intel. Really terrific intel. The best. We’re looking into it very, very strongly. At a certain point in time I’ll be revealing some interesting things, and I think people will be extremely impressed. I’m sure being President will be a piece of cake. The most beautiful piece of cake you’ve ever seen. Very, very easy. If you could do it, Barack, you, who wasn’t even born in this country, how hard can it be for someone with my amazing, very good brain? Anyway, in my spare time, I’ve decided to write a new book, because all my books are totally amazing, they have all the best words, and they sell millions of copies. I’m probably the bigliest-selling author in the history of books, okay? I went to an Ivy League school, I’m very yugely educated. I know words, I have all the best words. I have the best, but this one’s going to be different. It’ll be a memoir of my tremendous, historical life. I’m going to call it: “Interview With a Vampire President.” What’s that, Kush? My Senior Adviser, Jared Kushner, the luckiest man on the face of the earth because he happens to be married to my beautiful, voluptuous, sexy daughter-bride, Ivanka, tells me that this title has already been stolen from me by this nasty woman, Anne Rice. See you in court, Anne! Okay, fine. If I can’t use that title I’ll call it “Bite Me: Donald J. Trumpula’s Life as the Greatest Vampire President Ever in the History of the Universe. PERIOD!” By Count Donald J. Trumpula. Chapter One: How The Bigliest Story Ever Told Began. I was sitting in a Turkish bath in my hometown of Kallstadt, Germany, minding my own business, bathing my luxurious Mango Tango skin in the soothing heat of the amazingly opulent thermal bath waters. The year was 1686. Of course, at that time, my name was spelled differently. I was Donald J for Johann Drumpfula, with a D. And I was in the bath, very terrific, exclusive Turkish bath with great, high-end clientele, and suddenly I felt a strange, pricking sensation on my neck, like I was pricked by some small pricking thing that pricks other things. And I turned around and there, through the thick, billowing steam, I saw the most strikingly handsome, shirtless vampire in probably the history of shirtless vampires, okay? He was a Russian, and he had the most piercing Maximum Blue eyes you’ve ever seen, I’ll never forget, and he introduced himself to me as Vladimir “The Impaler” Poutine. And he’s the one who originally got me started in the vampire business. We became great, great friends, Vlad and I, though I don’t know him, we’ve never met, don’t have a relationship, because what’s a relationship? And we remain so to this day. I learned a lot about biting from Vlad – although I also think biting is a natural trait. Sucking too, but they’re two different things, okay? You either have it or you don’t, biting. You get better at it, learning certain techniques and so forth, where to puncture the neck and things of that nature, it’s very technical. The people that I know who are great biters or great blood suckers or great at cape twirling or turning into bats, it’s very natural, very natural. Like dunking a basketball or being a good golfer. And luckily I’m a natural at all of those, believe me. The most natural you’ve ever seen, okay? So anyway, Vlad got me started in the vampire business, made me immortal, so I’ll never get old, as you can tell just by looking at me. I mean, I’m still very, very, very handsome, and in perfect shape with my six-pack abs and perfect glutes. I can tell every time I watch the luscious Burnt Sienna skin folds of my backfat as I flex and practice my golf swing naked in front of one of my many full-length mirrors. Not that I can see anything, because I cast no reflection, but I can hear the amazing muscles of my torso as they ripple. If you’re wondering how I remain so tremendously handsome and in shape, with the body and skin of a much younger man, it’s because … I’m a vampire. Did I mention that? And also because I kidnapped Richard Simmons and I keep him in a giant hole in the dungeon of my luxurious castle here in Manhattan, Trumpula Tower, so that I have access to his incredibly amazing exercise theories 24/7. [shouting] IT PUTS THE SPRAY TAN IN THE BASKET, RICHARD! [Back to normal voice] Smart people, that Richard Simmons. We share the same beautiful Neon Carrot skin tone, as well as a deep and abiding love of sweating to the oldies. As you know I’m currently married to Melania, and she’s great, but getting up there, let’s face it. She’s, what, 40 now? 45? So, it’s checkout time for me. Once they hit 35 it’s checkout time, believe me. And I found this new girl, when I was in Washington, and she really, really blew me away, because she’s a perfect double for this girl I used to know two, three hundred years ago. She was my soulmate, my one true love, the love of my life, the one who got away. Her name was … I forget her name, it’s been so long, but I was deeply in lust with this girl. She was married, but I moved on her very, very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some nice furniture. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’ And then I grabbed her by the pussy – or, as we called it in those days, the crinkum crankum -- and just started kissing, even though I didn’t have any Tic Tacs, because Tic Tacs hadn’t been invented yet. And, well, it ended badly because I’m a vampire so I divested her of all of her blood and she died. It’s called winning, okay? But there was something about her I never forgot. I went to her funeral, you know, after I divested her and it was very, very sad, but very, very, very beautiful. Very, very beautiful. Her family was there. Incredible family, loved her so much. So devastated, they were so devastated. But the ceremony was amazing. They served the greatest food, the most beautiful jumbo shrimp balls you’ve ever seen. So amazing. The best. And now, this new girl, I saw her the other day in downtown Washington and I said, ‘Who the hell is THAT? She looks just like what’s her name, my soulmate, from centuries ago.’ I found out she works in a library in Washington, downtown. So I had my people get her information, and I’m gonna move on her like a bitch. I’ll take her back to my amazingly opulent castle and make her part of my harem. Like Procol Harum. A whiter shade of pale, which perfectly describes not only my brides but everyone who voted for me. She’s a 9, yeah, solid 9. Currently dating this no-talent loser, but I’ve got a plan. The best plan ever, believe me.