My Journey Through Homelessness

Popeye “A simple hi, someone to acknowledge my existence has helped me get through life.” I have been on the streets the majority of my life, about 30 years now. It is not constant. Some of it was out of choice, but most of it wasn’t. I have no family. Except one sister and maybe a brother, I’m not sure. I have heard about him, but I have never seen him. I'm originally from California, moved here for my mom. At 13, I was living in a tent in Ruidoso, New Mexico, where my uncle was the mayor. No one really bothered me, but I’m sure my uncle had people watching out for me. I was able to graduate high school and eventually ended up in Roswell, New Mexico. I have few people that I can actually call friends. If I were to call them for a place to go, they would be there, no question about it. Relationships are very important to me. Sometimes I just need to be acknowledged. I once was stopped from jumping off the bridge because a stranger walked by and told me, “Hi.” I didn’t want to live anymore and someone came by and just said, “Hi.” That’s all I needed as motivation to turn around and say it wasn’t worth it to end my life. I’ve gotten close to death several times, I’ve been in the intensive care unit seven times; life is hard to deal with. It has led me to drink bottles of alcohol and try to walk in front of a trains to get away from my past and all the bad things I’ve dealt with. But in the end, something always stops me. My mother died in my arms in 2006. The last words she ever said to me were, “Don’t forget to breathe.” This has caused a lot of my anger. On her birthday, I do not do so well. It has gotten better, but I struggle. That is the toughest day for me right now. Many people see me differently. For example, the law stereotypes me as homeless and that automatically gets you into trouble. I have had to deal with a lot of people. One time in Chicago, I asked a women for directions. I had a beard covering my face. When she looked up to see me, she dropped her purse and ran in the opposite direction. I was not trying to scare her, I just wanted directions. But that is how people treat you sometimes. Society treats us differently. They strip us of our human dignity with how they treat us. We are shunned for how we look, talk, and dress. It is like we are forced to fit a stereotype. You would think that people would understand that, as a human species, no one wants to be judged at the end of the day. Not everyone is bad. I have learned over the years how to survive. I have met people who have helped me along the way. Survival has taught me how to bargain with people. For example, I used to sleep on the porch of a lawyer's office. I figured I'd do the right thing and ask him if it would be okay if I slept there, and in return I'd watch over the office and call the authorities if anyone tried to break-in. I let him know he would never see me. I would get there once he is gone for the day and be gone by the time he shows up for work. I would keep the place clean and he'd never know I was there. He agreed and never saw me again. He understood my position and that is why he let me stay. I was able to bargain with him. In exchange for secure shelter, I provided security and kept the place clean. There are a lot of good people out there. They are just hard to come by. I have had people buy me McDonalds, treated me to lunch, and taken me to the hospital. Without those good experiences who knows where I would be today. It gives me the hope that I am able to think about the people who have genuinely helped me. It changes my perspective on society. I am just happy to be alive. All the negative things in my past started when I was a child. I have not had a Thanksgiving dinner since the age of 12 or a Christmas dinner in 35 years. I would like to get all those things back, even though sometimes I feel those dreams are gone. I am 43 and it feels like college is out of the question; who would want to hire someone in their 60’s? My ultimate goal is not to be homeless. I want to come back to what is familiar, but right now it seems like familiar is waking up to the sounds of the train tracks and the morning sun. I am not sure if it’s a mental illness or my anger that I cannot control. I want to live and die in peace. In my future, I hope to see a white picket fence and a job. I do not take back what I have done in my life. I may not be book smart, and I may not even make it through a book, but I have learned a lot of skills on the streets which have made me smart at what I know. I have managed to stay out of jail, which is a hard thing to do when you’re homeless. The In-house Wellness Program has really helped me. You are a product of your environment. This is a good environment. I have been here for about 5 months and I have the hope that one day I will be back and living on my own, recreating the traditions of Thanksgiving and Christmas I once had.