Broken

“It doesn’t matter anyway. You don’t get it. I don’t
think you could ever really understand just how deep that lie
goes. And if you get too close to the truth you’ll just fall
in yourself, and I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I
guess I am glad to be here though. It’s relaxing. I don’t
have to pretend. Keeping up the appearance of being a sane
teenager is exhausting. I had to get up every morning and
figure out how I could hide myself. I was desperate to keep
the real me hidden. For the outside world, I tried to paint a
canvas of normalcy. Obviously I failed or we wouldn’t be
having this conversation right now.”
She erupted into a fit of giggles. Her laugh,
surprisingly warm, rang out and filled the room. The sound
surprised her though and her hand flew to her mouth as if she
could stuff the noise back into herself. She looked afraid,
like happiness were something to fear. She stood again and
brushed the wrinkles out of her hospital gown. She took a few
steadying breaths, stifling another outburst, and returned to
her chair. Her face hardened and she continued.
“I’m eighteen years old and this is supposed to be the
happiest time in my life, but inside I am rotting. So I do
the only thing I can do: I pretend. I pretend to be a pretty
picture. I pretend to be okay. But I felt like the weight
was beginning to trample me. Nothing helped. I even tried
writing about it in my journal. Everything else in my life
was easy to write about, except this, I sat on our porch swing
for hours, trying to pour it onto the willing paper, but
nothing came out. I’m sure you plan to give me more pills
like the others. I wonder if they would be the pills that
would turn me small.” Her eyes drifted dreamily to the
ceiling. “Christ, I sound insane.” The pair sat in silence
for a minute or so, as if they were both waiting for the other
to speak. When he didn’t, she continued.
“I was starting to think that I would never be able to
tell anyone the truth. That my voice would shrivel up and
float away like the ashes of burning leaves. Or that maybe I
would forget the truth all together and become the lies.
Become lost in them for the rest of my life. Maybe it would
be better if I could just forget the truth. That’s why I
agreed to talk to you. I need someone to know the truth
before I forget. But I want you to swear that you will never
repeat what I am going to say to you. Say ‘I promise ’”
but
he raised his hand to stop her.
“You know I can’t do that,” Bill said as he adjusted his
recorder. “What I can promise is that I will listen to
everything you have to say, and I won’t judge you for any of
it. The goal here is to make you better, and I believe that
you aren’t as crazy as you think you are. If you help me help
you, I know that we can work through whatever is going on.”
He smiled at her the way he smiled at his wife when she was
angry, the smile showed he was calm and was trying to
understand. She wrinkled her nose as the side of her mouth
twisted into an eerie smile.
“We’ll see about that.”