After the Silence

Saturday four a.m. . . . The bright red glow of the clock beside the bed illuminated the darkness of the room. Kate woke with the familiar gnawing anxiety that began in the pit of her stomach and rose to her throat. It was predictable now. She was less frightened by the sudden onslaught of symptoms: racing heart, dizziness, tightness in the chest. But the first episode, more than a year ago, had left an indelible mark. When the panic finally passed, she was grateful to have survived the unexpected siege. Then, a week ago, full-blown terror at the grocery store forced her to bolt leaving a shopping cart of food blocking the aisle. Outside, she was so shaken, she had trouble finding her car. As she lay in bed her anxiety mounted. She suspected the roots of this latest attack were triggered by events of the previous evening. Kate knew Michael must have been confused by her bizarre behavior. At the restaurant, she’d abruptly left him sitting at the table and fled to the ladies room. In a stall, she tried to stop the escalating panic by sitting with her arms wrapped around her waist, rocking back and forth. It was ten minutes before she was calm enough to return. Michael said nothing about her absence. When he dropped her off at home, her hands were shaky as she unlocked the door. She quickly thanked him and escaped to the safety of her living room trying to forget her embarrassment. Kate was up and pacing the room. She’d learned to deal with the panic by telling herself, “You’re fine. Just breathe. Just breathe.” Focusing on her breath was a good distraction. It was often enough to calm her down. She got back in bed, dozing until the sun came up. Sasha ran into the room. She greeted Kate with her tail wagging excitedly. “Sasha’s a good girl,” she murmured stroking the dog’s silky coat. Adopting Sasha had been a spur of the moment decision. She’d answered an ad for an abandoned Samoyed puppy and twenty-four hours later she brought her home. Her mother had been critical when she heard about Kate’s new companion. “Why on earth would you get a puppy? You don’t need a dog that shits all over the place. You need a man.” There wasn’t much Kate could say when her mother got started. Instead she listened, jaw clenched while the anger seethed inside. “Yes!” she wanted to scream. She wanted it all. Marriage . . . a family . . . If her mother’s friends became inquisitive about her still being single, Kate told them she was picky and would never settle for “second best.” But the truth was that for most of her life Kate had feared intimacy. It was easier pushing people away. She’d convinced herself she preferred being alone and had functioned living like this for years until the episodes of panic began. She wasn’t sure now what each new day would bring.