WELCOME TO MY WORLD

Welcome to my World is an autobiographical account of my battles with ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). Whilst it is intended in some measure as a bipolar disorder and entertaining read for a general adult audience, more specifically it will speak to those who have had similar experiences and concerns about their own or their loved-ones’ mental health, and perhaps those who have more questions on the subject than answers. I hope that it will prove informative, even inspirational, for sufferers who may not have been formally diagnosed, and demonstrate that although bipolar is said to be incurable, and so in some cases is ADHD, both are entirely manageable. Self-understanding is the most important step on the path to overcoming the symptoms associated with these conditions, hence to leading a happy and fulfilled life. I knew nothing about these disorders, I am not sure I had even heard their names, until I decided to search the internet to discover what I could about dyslexia. It had been suggested that this could be an issue for my fourteen-year-old daughter who has had problems with her schooling since the day she started. I had never paid particular attention to her situation before, thinking only that she must take after me with her social and learning difficulties, and not understanding that anything positive could be done outside of the remit of the education system. My story begins when, age forty-three and a painter and decorator, I visit a primary school to give a quotation for some refurbishments. I suffer an unpleasant flashback to my own traumatic schooldays, and begin to make associations with the difficulties my daughter must be going through. The initial chapters deal with my visit to the school and subsequent ruminations on my own childhood experiences. Abandoned by my mother when I was 10, I live for a few years with my father and his partner, but this proves to be a somewhat dysfunctional set-up. Eventually I take the initiative to get back in touch with my mother, but resent the upbringing I have had, largely blaming her for my lack of a secure family background. Despite this, I ask if I can live with her, and she agrees. However this proves not to be the solution I had hoped for. Out of control at home and increasingly in trouble at school, I eventually leave education early, without qualifications, and after a spell of looking for full-time employment I begin my apprenticeship as a painter and decorator. Already the owner of a 50cc motorcycle, I start to work my way up through more powerful bikes and cars, with little regard for the law and even less for my own, or anyone else’s, personal safety. This inevitably leads to accidents and brushes with the police. Adversely influenced by my peers, I find myself involved in a lifestyle of fights, fast cars, promiscuous relationships and associated sexual health issues. Money is everything to me because it means I can always have the flashiest cars, the latest designer clothes, the most women. Somewhere on my path to self-destruction, I recognise the value of settling down, and meet Julie who becomes my wife and the mother of my beautiful daughter Hayley. For a few years, I manage to sustain the role of husband and father, but inevitably this does not satisfy my inner needs, and I vent my frustrations on Julie, until eventually our marriage become untenable and she leaves. By now Hayley has started school, and is already giving her teachers cause for concern with her shyness, poor memory and lack of appetite. Soon afterwards her learning difficulties begin to emerge and she is tested for hearing loss and dyslexia, but the root of her problems remains undiscovered. Living alone, I am able to resume my lifestyle of fast cars and womanising, and now internet porn, too, has a hold on me. Increasingly, though, I suffer from bouts of depression and have dark and suicidal thoughts. I question my own sexuality – perhaps I am gay. My physical health begins to deteriorate and, although I have always kept myself fit by going to the gym, I now suffer dreadfully with excruciating headaches, joint pains and urinary problems. I begin seeing Natalie, who, amazingly, stands by me through all my issues, and takes the trouble to try to help me see them through. She knows me well, but does not judge my past, and I don’t feel the need to hide anything from her. We move in together, and although ours is by no means a smooth relationship at first we manage to make it work. And so to my life-changing experience of visiting a primary school. This causes me to think everything through, to analyse how and why I have lived my life the way I have. More than anything it leaves me concerned for Hayley’s prospects, and I am consumed by my need to help her. I spend many hours on the internet trying to find out what her exact problem might be. My starting point is dyslexia, as this has been suggested by her school as a possibility, even though it has subsequently been ruled out. Eventually I find a site about bipolar disorder, and this is a breakthrough. I have never heard anything about it before, but now I keep reading the words on this site over and over. This is me, I realise, and something bizarre occurs – it is as though the top of my skull has been lifted off and a rush travels right through my body. The stiff neck that I have suffered with for the last twenty years disappears, along with my aching shoulder and knees, plus I stop biting my nails, a habit I have been unable to break since childhood. Furthermore, the addictions which have plagued me throughout my life now simply evaporate. Next I set out to take every piece of my life apart. I discover another syndrome, ADHD, which I believe to be the underlying cause of my bipolar disorder. It takes a further few months to research and understand ADHD and why I know I have it. I discover that, whilst there is no known cure for these mental health issues, I can take control of my life by understanding the way I think and how I am using my brain. My lifelong obsessions with boxing and pop stars form the framework within which I am able to take my life apart and then slot it back together in a way that finally makes some sense. I now realise what it is my daughter needs, what her teachers and psychiatrists were unable to pinpoint. At fourteen years old, I encourage her to write her own daily journal of her thoughts and feelings. For her, for me, and maybe for you, the most important lesson we can ever learn is to truly understand ourselves and the way our brains work.