From the Inside of the Keyhole

from Chapter 5 I agreed to stay at the hospital until the social worker could find hostel accommodation for me as Dr Capella had previously recommended. (FOI Notes) In the meantime, I overheard a telephone conversation between Dr Capella and my father, who obviously wanted me put in a locked ward. Although Dr Capella said that I was psychiatrically well and that he did not feel this action would be clinically justified, I did not believe that my father would let it stay like that for long. He had already threatened to take Dr Capella off my case, and not many doctors would stand up to him as Dr Capella had. This to me was some sort of uncertain death sentence, or life in the loony bin! So I decided that I would leave the hospital without permission, with only the clothes I was wearing, destination unknown. And so I did … I was very scared as I left the hospital grounds, running towards the highway over the railway line. Darkness was approaching, and I could hear dogs barking somewhere in the background. I half ran and half walked till I could see the railway track, but a six-foot wire fence barred my way. Awkwardly I climbed over it, my heart racing, and crossed the railway track after scanning both ways in case a train was coming. I could hear the highway traffic nearby, but it meant that I still had a very difficult climb and stumble to the top of the rise. It had looked impossible when I first confronted it, but I kept pushing myself on—I had to get away! Over and over in my mind, I kept reliving the last interview with Dr Capella and my parents. It seemed inconceivable to me that my future was to be controlled by my parents who were now going to dismiss a doctor who disagreed with them, and presumably leave me to rot in a psychiatric hospital. Well, no thank you! I was tired, covered in scratches and dirt, and very dishevelled. The highway, and a possible ride away from the area, was only a few feet away now. I had done it! I had made it to the highway! That moment of elation was short lived as I then contemplated the prospect of hitching a ride, when I had no real destination, no money, and a very strange reason for needing a ride. Besides which, I had never hitchhiked before. I began walking along the highway, first wondering if anyone would stop, and then wondering how I would feel if they did stop. But I was committed to making my ‘escape’, and the next minute an old battered Holden pulled up beside me. I was very wary of getting in because there were three guys in the car, and they looked pretty rough to me. However, as they were the only people who had stopped so far, and I needed to get out of the area, I took a chance. In spite of their appearance, they were not violent or aggressive, and I stayed with them for several days, putting up with their unwanted but persistent attention. I did not know where I could go, or where destiny would lead me, but I was definitely not going back to the certain misery I’d left behind at the hospital, and I could not stay where I was. Later that week, just before dusk, I was obligingly dropped off farther along the same highway where I had first met them. Time passed. Daylight was fading quickly. Traffic lights were blurring as cars passed me in both directions. I was beginning to despair that no one would stop for me, and I was starting to feel hungry, tired, all alone, and very apprehensive. Then I noticed a light flashing about ten metres in front of me—yes! For some reason, besides being desperate, I had a good feeling about this lift. The man and his teenage daughter who picked me up became my guardian angels. They were very kind and took me to their home. They cooked me some fried eggs, which I really appreciated. They listened to my story, and I told them I wanted to find work and start my life over. I stayed there for several weeks, and we even visited my parents so they would know I was all right. My parents could not persuade me to stay and did not exert any force to make me do so. We left without giving my new address, and with $20 from my father, towards my upkeep. During this time, I contemplated my situation. I wanted to leave where I was, but I still had no job although I had applied for one without result. I thought that my parents were being more reasonable as they had let me go when we visited them, and even contributed to my living costs. So, one day when I developed a high fever, I rang them up and they came and picked me up. I hoped they would realize that I had been living with this family without any problems for two months, and that we might be able to reconcile our differences. However, nothing was further from their minds. I was taken to two doctors, neither of whom was prepared to regulate me, so my parents instigated my admission themselves and took me down to Wolston Park. I felt reconciled, though not happy, that my actions on my escape had been necessary for my survival; I had had no other choice. Once again, I was thrust back into the unreal environment of the psyche hospital, readmitted to Noble House B, and highly medicated. This made me very angry and resentful towards my parents, as I believed I was being victimized and hospitalized unnecessarily. This was the very reason I had made my escape bid in the first place. Claiming I had left the hospital because I was ‘high’ and uncontrollable, my parents saw this as the only place for me. Apparently, I would be there for the duration.