Screaming through the Silence

"I knew as soon as they let me go I wasn't going to tell a soul." For the majority of my adult years I stood in the shaded background and observed. I simply observed. That is all my silence would allow me to do. I watched, I listened, I paid close attention to the world around me and wondered, “why such tolerance?” I knew the silence did not feel right, but society was not talking so neither would I. As I watched and listened I hoped to catch a glimmer of outrage from a society that I believed to be good and just. But I barely saw it and I barely heard it. What became very obvious to me was a profound lack of understanding and an even greater discomfort regarding crimes of sexual assault and abuse, especially when it came to the lingering and long-term emotional aftermath a survivor is left to personally deal with. We have been slow in stopping the silence and encouraging understanding and awareness. We have been slow in tending to the healing of these traumas. We have been slow to outrage. I can only surmise it is in part due to the “vicious cycle” syndrome. Society cannot understand because victims do not tell; victims do not tell because society does not understand. But if society is expected to understand the complexities of sexual assault and abuse voices must be heard. Stories must be told. Silence on both sides of the fence must stop. Conversations must start. This book is short and sweet. Well, perhaps I should rephrase that. This book is short and not so sweet. It contains no scientific data to prove why, what, when or where. Statistics will be limited because quite frankly statistics on the topic of sexual violence can be all over the place depending on which study you are viewing. I do not believe we need to rely on those numbers to tell us what we already know and have known for generations. Sexual assault is happening and it is happening far too often. One undeserving, senseless rape is one too many. I did not write this book with the purpose of telling my own story, because unfortunately, my own story is not at all unique. Believe me when I say I wish it were. It gives me little pleasure to reveal a part of my life that has caused me such pain and loss and for a time weakened my once strong spirit, leaving me psychologically and emotionally vulnerable. Although along the way I must say I have learned about the beauty of vulnerability and how it opens us up to be our genuine self, our more honest and truthful self. It is precisely because my story is not unique that I am moved to write. It is because with each new victim I sit beside, attempting to console, I remain acutely aware of the painful emotions that hide deep beneath the dull look in his or her eyes. I understand the struggle their spirit will be left to deal with as they go on their way. Perhaps for a day, a month, a year. Perhaps much longer. My scenario may differ slightly from the scenario of another but what is collectively shared in shameful numbers is the trauma to one’s spirit and the long-term emotional aftermath that can continue to quietly torment a survivor’s world at any given time. This shared trauma becomes evident as you read the words of the survivors who so willingly contributed to this book. Their words are their own. Their scenarios belong to them. The thoughts and feelings they choose to express come from a place of truth. They are individual, yet in reading their words it becomes apparent there is a common link to the emotional effects survivor after survivor identifies. Their emotions mesh together and seem to be shared by all.