I Can't Relate

I woke to the sound of my phone ringing very early on a Saturday morning, not as bad as two in the morning but still odd. Who could it be? Oh, I bet it’s my parents. They get up early. I grab at all the things on the nightstand, because without my eye drops first thing in the morning I can’t even get my lids pried open enough to see. I feel for my phone and squint to see whom it is. It’s Sasha! Why Sasha? Why at 7:08 on a Saturday morning (which would be 6:08 her time) would Sasha be calling me? She sleeps until noon! This can’t be good.

“Hello?” I answer.

“This is Mary, Sasha’s roommate. I am at the hospital with her right now, and she wanted me to call you.”

“Uh okay, what’s going on? Is she okay?”

“Well, no, not exactly.”

I hear background noise and the phone being handed off.

“Mom? It’s me. I’m okay, but I’d like it if you came down here … I’m sorry, Mom … I’ve been raped”

“No. No! I’m on my way. What hospital?”

I yelled directions at Tam while I frantically threw things in a bag. I told him where Kris was and that he needed to be picked up at 11:00, and I yelled that I was leaving to take care of Sasha and that she had been raped, and that I was taking money from his wallet and within seven minutes I was in my car headed south, balling my eyes out the entire way. Tam tried to call me a few times, but I didn’t pick up, and he didn’t leave messages. When I arrived in Evansville four hours later, I dialed her number before getting on the Lloyd Expressway. My baby girl answered.

“Hi, Mom, are you almost here?”

“Yes, baby, I’m getting on the Lloyd now.”

“Okay, well, I am back at school now, so come here instead.”

Her voice was very calm, and she seemed eerily composed.

“Okay, I’m minutes away. See you then.”

As I pulled in to the parking spot, a few spaces away from her apartment door, I took a moment to breathe a final time before deciding how to face her. What does one do when they greet a victim for the first time? What do you say? It was terrifying. What if I made it worse? What did she expect from me?

The door was ajar, as most of the kids leave them in these units, so I walked straight in. There were two girls in the living area, and then Mary walked in and told me Sasha was in bed, so I dropped everything in my arms and went to her room. She opened her eyes and said, “Hi, Momma,” and I cried. I climbed in behind her and spooned her tight, stroking her hair, and we just lay there together.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, sweet baby.”

Time seemed to stand still, but no tears came. She finally got up and said she wanted to take a shower, and I thought she might cry in there. I listened, but I didn’t hear any crying. I did hear a knock on the front door. Mary went in that direction, but the security guards from USI had already walked in and asked for Sasha Gowan. Mary informed them that she was in the shower, so the female guard sent the male guard off and said she would wait for her to ask some questions. Sasha came out in her towel, sat on the edge of her bed, and went through all the details of the night for this woman stranger who wore a uniform with the USI emblem on the pocket. She was there to help, but it only reminded me of how very awful this place had been to my girl. This recount of what happened was something I was sure she had already done a number of times at the hospital, as she seemed focused and clear on her statement. Never once did she waver or backtrack. Sasha knew in her heart that she had done nothing wrong; therefore, she had nothing to hide and nothing to fear, so she told the authorities exactly what had happened to her in the past twelve hours. That is how I learned of the rape, through my daughter’s words to a security officer of the university. She spoke intelligently and articulately about the events that occurred, realizing in those moments that what she said would go down in history. Yet her statements never seemed forced or fabricated. Sasha was a good witness, a creditable witness. Everyone who interviewed her agreed that she was consistent and forthright in her account of the evening. Sasha had a conscience that would never allow her to harm others, and she wasn’t about to make an innocent person pay for something that was not truly punishable. Sasha had to decide; Do I stand up and call this what it is, or do I protect myself from more harm and possible blame or shame throughout the legal process? Sasha has a huge heart and wants there to be good all around her. She knew exactly what she had to do this time. She was strong and she was brave and she did everything it took, and in all the right ways, to put this animal away.