Motivated By Pain

Naked In My Bathroom

"Art is never finished, only abandoned."

Leonardo da Vinci

I am naked in my bathroom. Fresh vomit stains my beard, hands, feet and legs. I cry uncontrollably - screaming, drunk as hell, with a good amount of Xanax, vodka, Soma and beer in my system, desperately wishing the pain would subside. I can’t move. It’s as if I am paralyzed.

Perhaps I just want to be gone? Not dead…just not living right now. I hang my head, desperately wishing the pain would end. Just give me thirty seconds to breathe, for Christ’s sake, to catch my breath. I grab my chest. Why the fuck is my heart pounding like this? What is going on? What is happening? The walls move in on me. Fuck, why won’t my ears stop ringing? My head feels like it is in a vice grip and I can’t stop the pressure. A steady bead of sweat starts at my forehead, mixes with tears and runs down to the end of my nose to land on the floor between my legs. I look straight ahead, but see nothing. I have a blank stare, like staring at a fire. My body slumps over, exhausted. I need to get up. But why get up? There is no one there. Just try these other pills. They will help with the pain.

I crawl into the front room of a house that is in foreclosure, looking at memories on a wall of a family, my family, that is now gone. I am utterly crushed, destroyed. What did I do? How could I have fucked up my marriage this badly? Where the hell is my beer? Did I not screw hard enough? Is my horse not big enough? Am I not sexy anymore? Did I not earn enough money? What the hell happened?

I look at the pictures on the wall and see my older son, Austin, in a Christmas stocking. We took the picture when he was one. He is so cute, so precious. And then there is a picture of my little man, Hayden, with his little crooked smile. He is lying on a BIG red pillow we had in the middle of the living room. Both boys are so sweet and innocent. I miss them both so much.

Why are they gone? Who will hold them when they need Daddy? What have I done? They had no idea this was in store for them, nor did they ask for any of it. They are both precious and naïve angels who are now damned to a life of a broken home. I am from a home like that. I remember the nights crying for my mom. Why did she leave me? What wrongs did I do? Does my dad not like me? I am sorry I forgot to take out the trash. It sucks! The whole damn thing sucks!

Now, though, as a divorced parent, I understand better the answers to these questions. My parents never abandoned me. They did what they had to do to survive. I respect and love them both immensely.

This is my story. I’m a nobody from nowhere who feels a need to share. I will share with you the differences between testosterone and estrogen, as I have learned of them. I will also share the results of a personal, clinical study wherein I injected testosterone weekly for six weeks to validate its effects on the human body. I will also share with you how stress tears men and women apart. I will allow you in on my son’s struggle with leukemia and how it created mountain-climbing stress in my marriage. I will share my mistakes, my life full of drugs, alcohol, theft and jail. I will share what I have learned and hope that you take to heart my sincere, true story and use it to avoid your own misfortunes.

I want to move your heart and soul as I share my words. Maybe you can save whatever it is that you need to save…say what you need to say.

Is love enough? What is love? Lust? What is any of it? Why would a man who has never written a book try to do so now? The truth? I’ve got some shit to say. I have some people to call out and some lessons to teach - and of course, lessons to learn.

This book is meant to open your eyes and be brutally honest. These are events that have transpired in my life, mixed with true stories from many men and women. If you are pissed at what you are reading, then you need to continue reading.

"A gentleman can withstand hardships; it is only the small man who, when submitted to them is swept off his feet."

Confucius

(Mindy Hamilton)