True Heart of a Murderer

1

I woke up on April 22, 2001. It was a school day and I wished I didn’t have to go, since that’s also my birthday. God, I didn’t feel like going, but I remembered that my best friend Pricey needed me to do something for her. She wouldn’t tell me what. I fell out of bed and slowly got off the floor starting toward the bathroom. I had taken my bath the night before and the only thing stopping me from getting dressed was brushing my teeth. I opened the door and almost shit my pants when I saw my mom in the tub just staring at me.

“God, you scared me,” I told her.

I walked over to the sink and pulled my toothbrush out the medicine cabinet.

“Sorry Veronica. Where are you about to go so early?”

“School. I can’t stay home and hang out with you today.”

“I don’t care. Your father doesn’t want to be with me and now you’re leaving me.”

“Mom, you know I love you and I wish we could spend every day together, but if I don’t pick up my grades I’m going to flunk. Come on. Get out of the tub, so I can make you some breakfast before I leave.”

I reached for her hand, but snatched mine away when I noticed how cold the water was.

“How are you just sitting in that freezing-cold water?”

“I can’t feel a thing, Veronica. I’ve been in here waiting on your father all night, but he hasn’t been home.” She made a face that said she knew he was with another woman last night.

“Mom, don’t start. You know Bernard just been out on the block working.”

“Don’t ever let a man make a fool out of you,” she said. “Veronica, don’t ever fall in love.”

“Mom, don’t start this, okay? “I’m going to go get your medicine and start breakfast.”

“No, just go. Just go to school and learn something, Veronica.”

“Mom, promise me that you will get out of the tub, eat something, take your pills and relax. I don’t plan on staying in school all day. When I get back we can go get some lunch.”

“Veronica, come here.”

I got up and sat on the end of the tub. My mom kissed my forehead and pulled me in the cold tub with her. I tried to jump out, but she held me tighter.

“Veronica I want you to know that I love you. I might not have it all upstairs, but I know what I have to do. I don’t want this to be a sad day for you. I want today to be the day that you decide what you’re going to do with your life. There have been so many times that I have made a decision in an instant, not thinking, and had to pay for it for a long time. This is your day.”

“Mom I love you, too, but I’m cold as fuck. You’re going to be okay, I’ll be home in no time. The sooner I go, the sooner I can come back.” I jumped out of the tub, angry.

“Veronica, remember what I said. I know you’re your father’s daughter, but it’s never too late to set yourself free – to have what you want.”

“I know.”

I rolled my eyes and, finally, left the bathroom. If I had a nickel for every time my mother started talking crazy, I would be set for life. I slipped on some clothes that I’d laid out the other night and ran out of the house, fearing I would be late and couldn’t get into class. I ran to school, but stopped when I saw Pricey. She ran up to me and gave me a hug.

“Veronica, I have great news! The best news ever!”

“Alright, let me get happy so I can take in all this good news,” I replied.

“First, tell me what’s wrong because, whatever it is, my news is going to lift you up.”

“It’s nothing, really, Pricey. My mom was just talking crazy before I left.”

“About what?”

“My dad didn’t come home last night. He still ain’t home and she was just running her mouth. Telling me to free myself and shit.”

“Yo mom thinking about leaving your dad?”

“I don’t know, Pricey.”

“I have never known anybody more in love or faithful than yo mom, Veronica. She not some whore, like my mom. Your mom not going nowhere. She has told everybody in the ‘hood that she would kill herself before she left him.”

We both fell silent for a moment and then, as if a ton of bricks hit us at the same time, we took off running back toward home. I was inside the building and two floors above Pricey, but she met me at the door because I couldn’t unlock it. I was so nervous about what I might find behind it. Pricey took the key from me and opened the door. I ran past her and kicked the bathroom door open; I felt my legs get weak. I fought the urge to fall out. Instead, I jumped in the tub with my mom. Both of her wrists were slit and the water in the tub had turned a deep red. Pricey fell to the floor as I reached for towels to wrap my mom’s wrists with. I yelled to Pricey to call 911 and she left the room. I kissed my mom in the back of the head and held her wrists tighter to try to stop the blood from leaking out of her. But she was so limp by the time the ambulance arrived that I knew they weren’t needed. By the time they made it to the hospital I knew she would be dead. I never expected that today she would die when she had tried to kill herself more than ten times while I was growing up. Most times, I had to be the one who found her and held her until someone came to help. This time, when the hospital called and told me that my mom didn’t make it, I just cleaned the bathroom. Pricey started making dinner and I changed my clothes. I sat at the table and Pricey sat with me. I gave her a weak smile because she was looking at me with worry in her eyes.

“So Pricey, what was that good news you had to tell me? As you can see, I need it right now.”

“First, I want to tell you that I found this out the other night and the only reason I didn’t tell you was because I didn’t know how you would take it.”

“This don’t sound like any damn good news to me, Pricey,” I said with a smile

“It’s all in how you take it, Veronica. I’m your sister.”

Pricey didn’t say anything for a moment, then continued when she noticed I wasn’t going to say anything.

“Veronica, I’m your older sister. It turns out that my mom is really our aunty from our dad. She told me that our parents gave me to her when I was born. So we are real sisters. We don’t have to pretend anymore.”

Pricey’s face lit up, but my heart sank. She grabbed me and held me tight. I could feel her happiness run through my body and I was praying that she couldn’t feel my pain. I held on to her and began to cry.

Never had a tear dropped from my eyes, even when I was a baby. My mom told me I never cried. I never had a reason to. What I felt that day from my mom’s death I didn’t want to feel again, and with Pricey now as my blood sister? If anything ever happened to her I couldn’t live with that pain again. I cried for two days straight, not sure of what to do. Pricey stayed by my side. She was a year older than me, but I had a very strong feeling to protect her. The third day after the news of having a new sister, I knew it would only be a matter of time before Pricey started asking me questions. I couldn’t bear to think back on all the times I had spent with our mom, so I just handed her mom’s diary. The words in that book belonging to Martha Peterson, plus her death, had affected us in very different ways. Pricey would choose one path and I’d choose another. But the one person who would help mold us both, down to the very last detail, didn’t walk into the house until a week later.