Ella, Me and Disability

Looking back I don’t know how I managed to stay sane through out all this time? I was angry and miserable. I blamed myself and even God. I was trying to find an answer why my daughter has to suffer so, I know I’ve sinned but why punish her? I can only be ever so grateful to people who’s been there for me: my friends, my family. My father, who in his inability to express his anguish was so vulnerable that I did not know for whom I felt more sorry for myself or for him. And of course my mother… I remember one particularly bad night. Ella screaming, I am trying to ease her pain and my mother quietly standing in the dark bedroom crying. I could not have the lights on: it was enough for me to hear my daughter’s pain without having to face it and my mother’s sobs weren’t making it easier. The well of my desperation was bottomless and I got annoyed with my mother for just standing there crying. I sent her away convincing myself that by doing so I was saving her heartache. Only now when Ella smiles and sleeps through nights I understand how my mother felt that night and every time she had to witness Ella’s pain episodes and my attempts to help her.Her daughter and her granddaughter both in pain even though different kind but still pain, and she were so unbelievably helpless.