Losing the Way

"I think she’s a caring mother and daughter. She used to be a caring wife but I’m not sure she was able to be both a caring wife and mother at the same time. At first she was fun to be with. We used to go to the beach and the cinema and she was not so materialistic – probably because we had no money! But once we had the children it was as if I wasn’t important any more. I was expendable and it felt like she thought I’d fulfilled my purpose. She supported me and pushed me into getting promotion and actually seemed to want it more than I did. She wanted a big house furnished in style and she wanted the children to have expensive toys and games. At first I managed to turn a blind eye to what I didn’t like but then I guess it got too much for me, probably around the time my father died. And then her father died and it felt like the flood gates had suddenly opened leaving me free to do what I wanted.”

"So, what didn’t you like?”

"Well, in the beginning it didn’t matter as I was in love with her and I guess love is blind. But over the years I started building up a sort of mental list of things that annoyed me.”

"That is common, Richie. People who say nothing and keep it inside tend to create, and often without realizing it, a list of emotional IOUs. Does that sound like you?”

"Oh yes, that’s me all right! In fact, since we’ve been separated, although I still care about her, my mind wants to justify my actions and keeps going over the past to find examples of her unreasonable behaviour. I’ve even found myself compiling an alphabetical list of her faults, not that I’ve admitted this to anyone else.”

"You want to share it with me?”

"Not really as it makes me feel a bit twisted. But it’s been fun doing it.”

"Ok, I’m intrigued! For example, what did you get for the letter Q?”

"Quarrelling in front of the children!”

"And the letter X?”

"Xenophobic. Just like her dad, she doesn’t like foreigners and, when I say foreigners, I don’t just mean from other countries such as India. But also other counties, especially up north!”

"I guess that’s where Katy comes from then! What about the letter O?”

"She hated me buying clothes from Oxfam and other charity shops. But I’ve always loved a bargain. Of course, I only bought them for me!”

"U?”

"Untidy.”

"V?”

"Very untidy…! No, actually for her mother Vera, who was always on the phone to her – at least twice a day!”

"Ok, how about W?”

"She was never wrong! Also, she liked to wash herself after sex rather than before it!”

"Z? And don’t tell me she didn’t like zebras!”

"Ok, that’s a hard one! But she couldn’t and wouldn’t get out of bed. So how about zzzzzz?”

"Y?”

"Why the fuck did I marry her?”

"Richie, somehow I don’t think you’ll be going back to her in a hurry!”