Physician, heal yourself

My annual leave was soon over and I had to go back. I reassured my mum that I would be fine and that I would get right back if things got any worse. But things could not be any worse than they already were. I got back to work, and to my horror, realized that I had turned into a wimp. I knew something was very wrong with me, but could not say exactly what it was. There was no shred of confidence left within me because I was always anxious when doing things thinking I was doing it the wrong way. Minor procedures that I could do with eyes closed before became hard and I always had to check with someone else. My learning was slowed down because I was so afraid to try new things. I chickened out of all the courses I intended to do. I became bully material because my attitude fed anyone who wanted to feel and look important in their own eyes. I contributed to my own problem. I forgot the word ‘no’ and became a ‘yes’ person. Life at work became so miserable and I was always anxious when going to work. When I was off and at home, I was comfortable, but on the eve of going back to work I would get that sickening feeling of not wanting to go there. Every time I got to work and swiped that card and went through the doors, I always felt like a dark blanket coming over me from the top of my head to the sole of my feet. Most of the days, I found myself going to the chapel to go and pray asking God to help me and see me through the day. The saddest thing was that I had no close friend I could share all this with. There was no ward sister I could talk to at the time. I withdrew within myself like a Tortoise does when it senses danger. I didn’t want anything to do with people and I became so resentful because I thought people were just out to destroy me. I was afraid of being rejected and hurt again. I built this wall around myself that no one could penetrate. The more I withdrew inside, the thicker the wall became. I built a prison meant for one prisoner, and that prisoner was me, and no visitors were allowed. The only visitor allowed was the unseen guest at every meal table and the silent listener to every conversation, that was God. He was close enough to hear my every sigh, a friend that sticks closer than a brother. I felt like the whole world had forsaken me, but he was there in that prison cell. I started avoiding public places. The staff room became a horror to me. The dining room was a nightmare. The changing room became like a den of lions. Every time I was in the changing room and heard the outside door slam like someone was coming in, I ran to the corner to avoid contact with whoever was coming in. I became so afraid of people like I was a rat. No one knew what I was going through. Somehow, I used to manage to curve a plastic smile on my face but inside I was dead.