ABC Scripts

From "Pick Me" (two actors onstage standing next to each, arms/hands are pinned down at their sidea and don't move...They can rotate or swivel on their hips or bend slightly forward, backward, or sideward, but only from the waist up-they are very straight and stiff.) ONE: Love is all it takes! Just push my little button. See? Yoo hoo. Right here, baby. One whiff of my junk, and your date will fall madly in love with you. Yep, yep, yep, over here. Come here. That's it. Now pick me up. Don't just stand there looking at me-pick me up. I'm the one!(Getting angry;swiveling on hips.) TWO: Martyr! You do realize, darling (said with a drawl), that by your very request to be chosen and used so much, your junk supply will be used up? And poof. You'll be on "empty," and then you'll be carelessly tossed out with the trash! You don't think she'll keep you around when you're all used up, do you? Ha! Novice! Nubie! Just sit here, keep your mouth shut, and enjoy the view. ONE: Narcissist! You are so full of yourself. Just because you've been sitting here longer than the rest of us doesn't mean you're any better-in fact, you probably stink, and that's why you're not picked very often. She probably loathes you, my dear! You probably were some gift from a man who was just passing by and picked you up from a duty-free store and gave no real thought to your purchase-a mindless gift just so he could bonk her! Ha! I'm young and youthful, and she selected me herself! (One nodding her head yes and looking smugly at Two.) TWO: Oh, come on now. Let's do be friends while we're here. Bend close to me, and take a whiff of my junk, and you'll notice that I'm a pretty good piece of action! Come on. While the rest of the group isn't paying attention to us, smell me.(Two is bending from the waist closer to One's face/nose and making a "pssst" spraying sound.) What do you think now? ONE: (Smelling the air.) Plums and persimmons and purrrr-like! I feel intoxicated by your aura! I mean, aroma! I'd like to peel my wrapper off for you! (Starts winking rapidly at Two.) TWO: Quirky that fate threw us together on this particular shelf in her boudoir. I've been waiting a long time for a dishy bottle like you to come along? Pump some of your junk my way; let me whiff you! (One bends toward Two and makes a spraying sound like "pssst.") Yummy. For being so young, you're so mature. ONE: Right of the rack! (Starts crying) I was discounted 50 percent. That's why she bought me! I don't know if she even likes me. I think she's a shop-a-holic" and just bought me up in mindless spending! I'm a fake, a cheap sale, and that's why I want her to pick me to wear tonight! I want to know that she loves me! (Crying harder.) TWO: Simmer down, kid. That's okay. You see that one down there on the end of the shelf? The one there with the oldd shape? (They both bend forward to look, and One nods yes.) Now that's a real fake-a copy scent from the streets of Hong Kong! Whew, talk about smelling up the room, and not in a good way! That one had to be an impulse purchase! ONE: Thought that was illegal. TWO: Undeniably it is, but that doesn't stop this gal from buying illegal scent-aliens! ONE: Voracious appetite she has, doesn't she? I'm countying twenty of us in line here. (One nodding head while counting.) How can she possibly get around to using us all? TWO: Why, you ask? Why does she need so many of us on her shelf? Why keep stacking us one by one next to each other and then only selecting a few to enjoy? Hell if I know! But here we are, and the longer you stand here, that's good (evil smile), because some like us will not be so lucky. ONE: Excuse me?(Eyes big and wide.) Now you're scaring me. What happens to the "some like us who will not be so lucky?" TWO: You've probably heard of it before. ( Starts hissing noise.) It's a disease gals like her have. (Pauses.) Regifting! (One gasps loudly.) They buy too much, so they give some away-usually those of us they don't care for-when they need a gift for a birthday or anniversary or some such nonsense! I've even seen one of us here picked up and put in a "donation bag" for the Salvation Army! ONE: Zap! (One bobbles around on feet like coming unbalanced and teetering, ready to fall over.) Catch meeeeeeeee! TWO: (Two leans into One to help One from falling over. They stand there together, silent for ten seconds.) Anchor, I go your bot. Come on. Lean on me. Gosh, that was close. You know, fi you fall off the shelf and break, bye-bye, you sweet-smellin' thing! ONE: (One starts in a singsong voice in a daze.) Bye-Bye, sweet-smellin' thing. Don't cry for me, Estee Lauder. Oh, God, I'm bound for oblivion! TWO: Come on. Knock it off, will you? You're scaring me now. You asked what happened to the unlucky few. Don't worry about it, unless you see her bring in a gift box and wrapping paper. Then there's something to worry about.