The Adventure
A Memoir in Spirituality and Schizophrenia
by
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When we got to the hospital, they gave me an IV, and no one told me what was happening. I spent two days there, and looked to escape. A man who was there as a visitor or a patient, I'm not sure which, said to me, “you understand that you are Jesus Christ.” I answered “yes.” I believed that to mean that I was working to save the planet and the human species and that I may be killed for trying to do so. The self-aggrandizement that I felt, and that seems to come with schizophrenia, was due to the thought I had that the directives on how to act came directly from God, Source, Gaia, Great Spirit, Allah, or the Tao.
In the hospital, there were large insects on the walls. I couldn't see them well but they were larger than geckos, probably a foot in length. I believed that they were robots that the extraterrestrials sent to watch me. A man guarded me to make sure I didn't leave the room where they put me. While he was there, I shook his bed at night to wake him up. After several times of doing this, he left to find the doctor. I ran out of the hospital and hid in a ravine the rest of the night. I could feel the dirt and vines under me as I lay down upon the earth. I could hear the night animals and noises. Just before morning, I crawled out of the ravine and wandered through the town. As I walked past one woman, she screamed and ran inside her house. I must have looked pretty scary.
I saw another woman and walked up to her and asked her for some water. I had no purse, no money, no food or water; nothing with me. Aina gave me water and took me into her house. She spoke little English, and I spoke little French and none of the language of Madagascar. She gave me food and asked if I wanted a shower. I nodded yes. She ran a clothing store and gave me clean clothes. Her house had two sleeping areas. One was for her husband and self and younger son and the other bed for her elder son who was about seven. I stayed with her and her family for several days, sleeping in her older son's bed. She fed me and bought bottled water for me and totally accepted me. I couldn't believe her incredible kindness to a complete stranger. I was, and continue to be, so full of gratitude to her.
After a few days of living with Aina, she took me to the police chief along with a Peace Corps volunteer who spoke English and French and the local language. I was asked the name of my father, which I told them. I got back my small yoga mat bag with several clothes in it and my purse with most of the money gone. I didn't question the money. I was wondering how much money I should give to Aina but didn't ask the Peace Corps volunteer. I guessed, and I'm sure I didn't give her as much as I should have. The next day I went back to the police station and was told that I would be going home. Evidently the US Embassy had contacted my father, and he was paying for a medical evacuation. One of the policemen was going with me by plane to Antananarivo, the capital city. Meanwhile the Embassy had sent a nurse and a guy to travel with me. I shut down on the plane and kept my eyes closed the whole way, shutting out the world and all around me.
Once we got to a motel room, the nurse helped me bathe. My eyes were still shut. I didn't open them until later when the police and Embassy people, except for the nurse, had left. That night I didn't sleep all night. I had a light bulb from the lamp next to my bed, and I took the shade off. I put it under my bedcover and stared at the bulb as its image left an impression on my retina. As long as I could see the imprint of the filament, I felt safe. I was keeping the extraterrestrials away by staring at the light.
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About the Book
This book is a gripping, brutally honest, true story of the author's journey through five psychotic episodes. At the age of 53, she was diagnosed with depression and psychosis. Over the next four years and five hospitalizations, the diagnosis became a schizo-affective disorder. This mental illness is considered a more severe form of schizophrenia. The author interweaves her psychosis with her life-long spiritual journey and looks for the gifts that this illness has brought to her. She believes that her experiences deepened her compassion for other beings and her relationship to the Universe. She gives practical examples of how to engage a person mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. She believes that these aspects of a person, including someone with a mental illness, cannot be separated. The author hopes that those who have a mental illness and their caregivers, family, friends, nurses, counselors, psychologists, and psychiatrists, as well as the general public, may gain new insights into the treatment and nature of mental illness.
About the Author
The author has co-authored a book, Reinventing the University: A Radical Proposal for a Problem-Focused University. She has also written 15 articles and book chapters on adult learning and on sponsored research administration. She has worked professionally since she was 20 years old. She has had five different careers in communication law; television production; instructional video; sponsored research administration; and bodywork, including acupressure, Asian bodywork, and massage therapy. None of her professional work experience prepared her for the journey that is described in this book. However, she has always been a spiritual seeker. She has lived overseas for six years and spent two years in the Peace Corps in El Salvador. In her youth, she asked God to let her live a full life. That has happened, just not in the way she thought it would!