Letting Go

Suddenly, I pulled back and said, “No! Don’t stop! Keep trying!” I looked at the men doing CPR on my Dad and I remember thinking in my head, “you have no idea how much this man means to me. I am not ready to let him go.” Here I was, struggling with my own selfish thoughts, knowing all along there was no coming back from this. I asked the doctor if I could hold his hand. He said “of course.” I asked him if I could talk to him. He said “yes.” I stood next to his hospital bed holding his hand while the nursing staff vigorously continued CPR. All I could say was ‘I love you Dad,” over and over again. I heard my uncle’s voice behind me say, “I love you Rick.” And then, I let go. I always believed with every bone in my body, that the pain in that very moment would end my life as well. The reality of letting him go haunted me since my childhood and now that I was actually in the moment, I went completely numb.