Finding Me
Dissociative Identity Disorder from Creation To Integration
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Out of the shadows a past remembered. This is about the levels (alters) Some of them were created before there were words, they only know feelings The Infant Center of the Universe (Violet) needs to feel control it's like an infant that wants something and can not wait.But there's another part connected to the Infant Center. I think this is the start of the system. When the infant cried the adults needed to make her stop so they hurt her. The infant didn't understand so there had to be two infant parts. One that could be hurt and one no one could touch that way the infant had some control. The infant didn't know words only feelings and an infant fury.
As she grew more alters were needed. The Little Girl (Dixie Lee) the child that was abused in every way imanagable. She knew words but didn't talk, she was frozen. If anyone touched her she would shatter. Dixie Lee was the keeper of the secrets and feelings that were connected to the levels. She was strong enough to endure abuse, shame and rape by the adults that were the perpertraters of each violation of the innocent child.
andrew neither male or female. The body for the levels. Acts on feelings from Violet. Feels emotions very intensly is afraid of people, the dark and being abandoned. Plays hard and doesn't consider the consequances of actions. Doesn't give up or in easily.
There is also the shadow (Maury) protector of the levels. Core of conscience. Had a tremendous amount of power. The others feared the shadow, but realized the shadow was needed for protection from others outside of the levels. So the shadow was a kind of protection of the levels from the rest of the world.
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About the Book
This was not meant to be a book.
When I was a child I knew there was something different about me, but I didn’t know what it was. I knew it had to be a secret because if anyone found out about it, I would be trouble. I thought of it as different “levels” of myself.
I got into therapy to help my teenaged daughter. Who knew I would get help too! My therapist understood immediately when I told her that I had “levels.” I was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder), and learned they are called “alters” rather than “levels.”
There are four alters: the “Infant Center of the Universe” was a tiny baby; a “Little Girl” who was the keeper of the secrets; “andrew,” a preschooler who lives in the moment without thought of consequences; and the “Shadow.” I was terrified of the “Shadow” because I thought it wanted to kill me.
My therapist suggested I get a journal to work in while we dealt with this disorder. After each session I thought hard about living with this disorder so I could convey it in a way my therapist could understand. Working on the journal was difficult and painful at times, but it became a journey to peace, understanding, and healing for me. I never intended for anyone other than my therapist to see the journal.
The alters are integrated now, and we are all working together. I recently showed my journal to several doctors who were working with me, and they all told me that I needed to publish the journal as a book. They said it would be a great teaching tool, because there is nothing like it available now.
So…this book is that journal, unedited and unaltered.
About the Author
Phoenix grew up in the Midwest in the mid 20th century. While the idealized vision of that time in history is of smiling moms and happy children, this was far from the reality that Phoenix experienced. Not one adult in her young life could be trusted to treat her with love and respect, and she was abused in every way imaginable by nearly everyone in her large extended family. Phoenix was able to survive through the creation of alternate “personalities” which shielded her from the abuse. She was vaguely aware that something was different for her than it was for others, but not until she was an adult did she come to understand the amazing power of her mind which enabled her to endure the horrors of her childhood. This book represents years of work in therapy to understand how the alternate “personalities” functioned and to integrate them back into one unified whole.
Phoenix did not intend to write a book nor does she consider herself a writer. However during a stay at the hospital she shared this work with one of the doctors. Who in turn showed it to colleagues, all of them encouraged Phoenix to publish it as a book. Phoenix eventually came to believe that, through access to her experience of the healing , others might be helped. She agreed to pursue publication. It is her hope that this book will assist those entering the mental health field in gaining an understanding of the very complex nature of Dissociative Identity Dissorder and thus be better equipped to help those they serve.