Love Lost Forever

How many times are you going to hurt me before you are through with all of this Caleb?  How many times?  Huh.  I can’t take much more of this.”  “I am not hurting you at all.”  “Then what would you call it Caleb when you are forcing me to do these things when I have repeatedly told you I don’t want to?”  “This is ridiculous Mykala, you are just being so stupid.”  “Whatever Caleb, just leave me alone.  Get away from me.” 

I lie in the bed crying because once again was called stupid, ridiculous and was made to feel like I am the one causing all of the problems in our marriage, and all because I am not enjoying what he is.  I don’t know how to get out of this anymore.  

Mykala Feeling Alone and Scared

 I just feel so empty inside.  All I see anymore is darkness.  I don’t see light, not even a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel.  My life right now is so full of fear, hurt, pain and anger.  There is no happiness in my life at all.  I have completely lost myself in a life style that I wanted nothing to do with; and all because I loved Caleb and thought he loved me too.  Now I am not sure what I feel about him, me, us, life, God, or anything anymore.  At this point, I feel like I, am just existing in a life I don’t want to be in anymore.  I can’t do anything about it.  No I am not going to kill myself; I have my kids to think about and at least I do have them in my life; because they are my whole life.  It shouldn’t be this way, but it has come to this.  I really thought that Caleb would be my whole life, but now I just don’t know what I feel about him.  In one respect, I love him like I have never loved any other man, and on the other hand, I can’t stand to even be around him because he is constantly belittling me, calling me stupid, a slob, and makes me feel ugly and worthless.  He never just takes me out unless it relates to his wanting sex.  So to me that just isn’t showing me that he really loves me.  Now does it?  Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.  Most of the time, I feel so alone.  I have really no one I can talk to about any of this.  How could I?  It would be to humiliating; and Caleb knows that, but just to reinforce the issue, he told me that if I ever told anyone about any of this that I and the kids would regret it.  So that was his way of controlling me.  I felt so trapped all the time like I am a prisoner in my own home and can’t escape no matter how hard I try.

I have been married to Caleb for twenty five years now; and to be honest, I think I can count on one hand how many times he actually took me out, besides the sexual encounters.  As far as him ever telling me he loved me; probably only once or twice since our wedding day.  That is pretty pathetic, huh.  He would always say we couldn’t afford to go out, but I think it was more than that.  He was either ashamed of the way I look or was afraid I would look at other guys.  I don’t know why and he never changed in the twenty five years either.  I would have thought that when the kids were older, we would go out more, but he never wanted to take me anywhere.